Written by: Rob Van Winkle, CC2K Staff Writer
The legacy of From Justin to Kelly
It is no secret that I love bad movies. I have had many people over the years question this, skeptically wondering why someone would spend their valuable time watching a film that reviewers and viewers around the world have all dismissed as worthless. I would say that this in itself answers the question. Movies are a difficult business to break into. There are thousands of ideas generated every single day, and only a very few of them even get looked at by executives with the power to greenlight. Of those, only the bare minimum will get made. Since money is the driving force behind everything anyone does, it must be concluded that, when a movie is made, it is assumed that it will be profitable, and every dollar spent on creating it will be returned exponentially. Imagine then all the people who bank their reputations, and even careers, on any given project. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, no matter how bad a movie ends up being, there were many, many people involved who liked it enough to make and release it. Real money was invested, and real professionals took their time to make it. When you realize that, there becomes an inverse proportion between the quality of the movie, and the enjoyment that people like me can have with it. Using these qualifications, I have to declare From Justin to Kelly (billed by the studio as J2K) one of the most enjoyable movies ever created anywhere in the universe.
J2K brings us to Florida on spring break, where we split our focus between two groups of friends. Justin is a natural ladies man (which we know because he is called a “player” every five minutes or so, in case his lack of good looks, actual bravado, or body definition might make you question this). He has a business by which he goes to party destinations and plans events that people pay real money to attend (because why would you just spontaneously play with liquor and loose girls, when you could instead pay ten dollars to get into a party that Justin thinks is cool?). His partner (let’s call him Chad) is your typical good looking-doofus who does everything wrong (thereby making him the perfect business partner), and their party is rounded out by a self-described dork (let’s call him Karl) who is trying to make contact throughout the movie with a chick he met on an internet chatroom (because he’s a dork. In case you weren’t clear.). On the other side, we have Kelly, who is a good girl (which is obvious because no matter how hard they try, she is obviously too ugly to be anything but). Her friends include a black chick we’ll call Rita (who will have a pointless side plot with a Hispanic guy (who is a busboy), thereby rounding out our minority quota for this film), and a hot yet evil chick we’ll call Carolyn, who will become the foil for the “action” to take place.
Justin meets Kelly, and the sparks fly immediately (according to the script. As for the actors, they make it clear that they’re supposed to like each other.). Justin (I have found that, whenever I type “Justin,” my fingers seem to want to type “Justing” instead. For this reason, this will now become his name) immediately begins to question his “player” ways. However, Justing somehow gets Carolyn’s cell phone number instead of Kelly’s (I never bothered to watch the very beginning of this movie, so I don’t know how or why this happened. However, I am sure this occurred due to a completely believable and non-contrived set of events), and none of the messages he intends for Kelly ever gets to her, since Carolyn seems intent on keeping them apart(!!!).
One such example is after Justing and Kelly have their first date, which is a romantic getaway on a speedboat that I guess Justing steals, and they sing a well-harmonized yet worthless song that seems to take place out of time, and indicates through their facial expressions that they are going to kill each other when it ends. Justing arranges to meet Kelly on the beach for their second date, clearly for the purpose of doing the nasty. Then, Carolyn texts a message to Justing changing the location (somehow, text messaging plays a major major major role in this movie. Coincidentally, this service is featured heavily on the successful American Idol show). He goes to the new location, where he finds Carolyn instead of Kelly! Carolyn tries to change his mind with her shapely body, good looks, and obviously promiscuous personality, but he wants none of it, and leaves to find his horse-faced, egg-shaped beloved.
Frustrated, Carolyn thinks for a minute then actually says out loud, “Oh Lord, why did you curse me with the perfect body and brains?” and makes a phone call, where she asks a mysterious stranger to join her on Spring Break. This person turns out to be Kelly’s ex-boyfriend (more than one guy wants her!!!), who interrupts a musical number to appear and kiss her. Justing pulls them apart, ex-boyfriend calls him “Sideshow Bob,” and they are ready to come to blows (This reference was done deliberately. Yes, in the movie they are about to fight. However, in real life this bout would be such a mismatch that it seems more likely that they are going to go somewhere for ex-boyfriend to make Justing his new woman.). Friend Chad steps in, and proposes an alternative to simply fighting out their dispute, which, obviously, turns out to be a beach-to-ocean hovercraft beanbag toss contest. Even this fails to get our heroes together.
Toward the end of the movie, Justing finds himself with evil chick again (due to another text messaging incident. Some plot devices are so brilliant, it bears repeatedly going back to the well with aplomb.). She comes on a bit stronger, and kisses Justing in the table with a view to the outside world. Oh NO! Kelly sees them. The ensuing fight seemingly ends their love affair for good. However, the gods are smiling down on them, and when Kelly gets to her friends, evil Carolyn drops her cell phone. Kelly picks it up, and discovers the truth. In a monologue that is worth the price of admission, Carolyn confesses that her motive for this whole thing was jealousy. Of Kelly. You see, guys always like Kelly, while Carolyn has to depend on sex appeal and attractiveness for her dates. She decided that she had to be more like Kelly, which she figured she could accomplish by stealing the heart of Justing. Obviously. I saw this one coming from a MILE away. Hot chick wants to be more like her fat, ugly friend. Just like in real life. Plot contrivances abound from here, as every loose end is tied up quickly and stupidly, and we get to cringe as they kiss chastely. End of film.