Written by: Austin Pearl, Special to CC2K
Well it’s that special time of year again and you know what? Christmas is being shoved down my throat… again. Non-stop Christmas music + A Christmas Story on replay + everyone spending more money than they actually have + cheesy decorations + that fat lady at work bringing in tree shaped cookies = Annoying. Sad. Stupid. Whatever. You know what the sum total of all this is? It’s my wanting to recognize things that are deliberately anti-Christmas. It’s my wanting to take a big you know what on everyone’s Christmas spirit. So in the spirit of not only not being in the spirit of Christmas, here are what I consider the top five anti-Christmas moments on the big screen (I for one will probably spend Christmas day watching these amazing movies, and eating pigeon). Each one of them is so anti-Christmas that I want to share them with the world, thereby forcing everyone to realize how liberating it is to rip off the Christmas mind control device and have some laughs in the process.
1.Not only did the Gremlins destroy Christmas, but who could forget Billy's girlfriend Kate’s story about her father dressing up as Santa and breaking his neck in the chimney… only to be discovered because of the smell a week later! “And that’s why I don’t celebrate Christmas”… CLASSIC. Others may have missed this amazing scene… but not me. I show it to my family every year. If you want to explain to YOUR kids that Santa isn’t real, this is definitely the way to do it.
2. Wanna know what ruined Christmas for me as a child more than getting a pink knitted sweater from my Jewish grandma? (Actually, true story: I did get a light flashing, noise making Japanese robot from my significantly older half sister when I was already like 10. WTF?). Being afraid to go near the godddam Christmas tree because it's full of freakin Gremlins. That's right Gremlins… you're #1 AND #2. Good job. The scene: The Gremlins all hide in the tree, make it fall on Billy's mother, and then go to town on that ho-bag.
3.It took place during that special time of year, had sleigh bells built into the soundtrack, and featured a bare foot running on glass, cursing, and a bloody, washed up Irish cop visiting L.A. from NY. The movie, Die Hard. The moment? Instead of simply sending his first kill down the elevator to greet the crowd (along with their German terrorist-ish captors), this Irish cop has a sense of humor… and time… and a Santa outfit… that's right people. You want Santa? Here he is. He's a freakin German terrorist named Vigo, and I just killed his ass. “Now I have a machine gun Ho-Ho-Ho”…
4. She killed her husband, wrapped his head with saran wrap and a red bow, and then dumped him in a well. Not coincidentally, as it was a Tales From the Crypt episode (Season one, episode 2, “And all through the House”), the arrival of an escapee from a mental hospital coincides not only with the murder of her husband, but also Christmas. I will say this: There was something striking about this Santa in particular…his face was so evil that it still unnerves. The best part? The little girl, apparently too innocent to notice how goddam scary Santa is, lets him in the house (“…see mommy, I told you he would come, and he didn’t even have to come down the chimney, I let him in…”) and the rest is left to imagination… which… in mine at least, crazy Santa made the little girl his apprentice.
5. From the beginning when Santa molests Harry’s mother, to the end when Santa is getting chased by a lynch mob, Christmas Evil ruins Christmas unlike any other movie. Unlike a lot of deliberate B Movies, this one actually has some substance to it. And I’ll tell ya’, it’s the little things that make it special, such as spending several minutes on Harry trying to get into his co-worker’s house only to get stuck in the chimney and have to find another way in, or all the vividly disturbing images of Santa sprinkled throughout the movie. I also really enjoyed the gradual buildup to Christmas insanity. “I want a subscription to Penthouse Magazine!” And the ending? Well that was certainly unexpected, and there will be no spoilers here. So what’s the moment? Well, you’ll probably disagree and say it was when Harry (aka Santa) greets the church goers after their Christmas Eve service only to start a mini massacre by stabbing a guy in the eye with a toy. But for me (unlike you simpletons), it was the cops in the station during the Santa line up: “Myth shmyth, maybe some good will come out of this after all, make the kids scared again. Instead of getting everything so easily the kids will start behaving. If you don’t behave, Santa will get you (makes a throat slitting gesture)!” By the way, in the end Harry’s van inexplicably flies away a la Santa on his sled. So there! Merry freakin Christmas, I got you a spoiler!
Did I mention that all you early Christmas celebrating, light hanging up in November, shopping on black Friday like sheep, morons are a bunch of hacks? I want to single out one group of people in particular: Radio DJs. That’s right: You guys. While I expect major corporations to perpetuate Christmas as early as possible, I expect more out of you. Is there a freakin switch on the back of your head, that when flipped causes you to play Christmas music the minute Thanksgiving ends? Do you actually enjoy hearing Christmas music for a month? Oh, let me guess: You’re told to do it, right? Push back for crying out loud! Or say you’ll do it and don’t do it as much. In fact, while we’re on the subject, let’s start a movement: Nobody celebrates Christmas anymore until 20 December. And when we do, it’s dinner with our families, not discounts at Best Buy. Sound good? Great. Until then, here’s more Gremlins…