Written by: Ron Bricker
CC2K's Stella Artois asks, "Who needs a Hero, when you can get down and dirty with a psychopath?"
The ladies love a bad boy. Maybe I'm just suffering from Stockholm Syndrome from watching too many action thrillers, but damn if the sexiest onscreen presences aren't the John McClanes and John Rambos of the world but their nemeses. So as Sex Week nears its belated end, I'd like to share my personal choices for the sexiest movie villains ever.
Christian Bale’s Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)
Oddly enough, Bateman's freakishly ripped bod isn't what makes him a total sex god in Mary Harron's adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' slasher-meditation on fashion and viscera. No, what makes Bateman irresistible is his utter confidence and lack of remorse. Nothing he does matters to him. Calling you back and cutting you up are one and the same to him. The man exudes so much testosterone and genius that any girl would be honored to join him for a quiet evening of drugs, Phil Collins and coat hangers. And then there’s that glimmer of hope in the end – maybe he's just delusional. In any event, ladies, you know you've found a keeper when he still looks good naked and holding a bloody chainsaw.
Best Pick-up Line: "You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood."
Robert DeNiro’s Max Cady (Cape Fear)
Max Cady’s sexual appeal springs from his charisma. Cady, a convicted rapist on the prowl for his lazy defense lawyer, cruises in a hot car, tossing out Biblical bon mots in his honey-sweet southern drawl, and even when he's saying the most horrific things – "You ready to be born again, Miss Bowden?” – you can’t help but get turned on. He can lure any woman into his trap, and he can take on three guys with chains and bar bells. Hot!
Best Pick-up Line: "I understand, I'm not your type, too many tattoos. Thing is, there isn't much to do in prison except desecrate your flesh."
Alan Rickman’s Hans Gruber (Die Hard)
It was very hard for me to choose the sexiest Rickman Badass, but I’d be a fool not to choose Hans Gruber. From the moment he and his band of ruthless heist-masters storm into Nakatomi Tower, his leisurely delivery hypnotized us with its sophisticated yet twisted allure. He can tell me a bedtime story anytime.
Best Pick-up Line: "I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adult, cooperative. Not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way… so he won't be joining us for the rest of his life. We can go any way you want it. You can either walk out of here… or be carried out. But have no illusions. We are in charge. So decide now, each of you. And please remember: we have left nothing to chance."
Kiefer Sutherland’s David (The Lost Boys)
It's hard to make a mullet sexy, but damn if Sutherland doesn't pull it off in a movie already chockfull of sex appeal, from Jami Gertz to Alex Winter. As the ringleader of the Santa Carla vampires, Sutherland and his retinue set the standard for leather-clad, motorcycle-riding badassery for a generation of kids. Every woman likes a bad boy at least once, and if you're like me, you like 'em all the bloody time.
Best Pick-up Line: "Now you know what we are, now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael, and you'll never die. But you must feed!"
Ralph Fiennes’ Amen Goeth (Schindler’s List)
Fiennes’ Amen Goeth terrified us, and yet, there was this creepy sexiness behind his eyes that made you feel so fucking guilty for even thinking that his Nazi of a bastard was attractive. I truly feel that only Fiennes could have pulled this character off. He had this ability to spew his horrible lines while somehow still attracting you to him. He made him human. Maybe Fiennes is just a great-looking guy.
Best Pick-up Line: "I would like so much to reach out to you and touch you in your loneliness."
Arnold Vosloo’s Imotep (The Mummy)
Arnold Vosloo’s Imotep is a man after my own heart: evil, tan, fit, bald, and he doesn’t speak any English. A man after my own heart! His character also wins points for his willingness to kill anyone and everything is his path to bring back his one true love.
Best Pick-up Line: "Keetah mi pharos aja nilo, isirian." ("Come with me, my princess. It is time to make you mine, for all eternity”)
Malcolm McDowell’s Alex (A Clockwork Orange)
Malcolm McDowell showed us that the William Tell Overture is the best music for a threeway. He also showed us the allure that comes with being witty, charming and conniving. Sure, the authorities try to "cure" him, but why try to cure a beast as savagely irresistible as Alex? My dream date with him would include a bit of the ol' Ludwig Van, a bit of the ol' ultra-violence and a whole fucking lot of the ol' in-out.
Best Pick-up Line: "And the first thing that flashed into my gulliver was that I'd like to have her right down there on the floor with the old in-out, real savage."
Christian Slater’s Jason ‘J.D.’ Dean (Heathers)
J.D. is the kind of guy you'd like to plan your suicide. He's the cute, creepy loner who teaches you that you don't have to be friends with the cool clique to kick ass in high school. Admit it – when you saw this for the first time, you thought about taking down your school's prom queen at least once. Good thing you didn't have a J.D. to help you do it, because witness Winona Ryder's first encounter with J.D.:
Best Pick-up Line: "I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Course, I was coming up here to kill ya."