Written by: Ron Bricker
There are some movies that can not be watched directly, lest the viewer's brain melt from over-stimulation or under-utilization, or both. As a part of April Fools’ Week, Russell Davidson got to experience this first-hand when he was forced to sit through no one's favorite sequel, Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation.
A word from the nominator, Rob Van Winkle:
Until the very second I sent in my nomination, I was certain that I was going be submitting Chevy Chase's Nothing But Trouble, a truly atrocious “comedy” that I remember watching in the theater with a feeling of queasiness that stayed with me for days. However, all at once I remembered a story from my college days. I had an ongoing babysitting gig during my junior year for two boys, ages eight and eleven. One day, they both started talking at once about MK2:A, which they had just seen. Both of them were simply appalled at how terrible it was, and went on to describe in detail all the ways it sucked. Let me reiterate: this was 1997 – at the height of Mortal Kombat's video game dominance – and these boys were DIRECTLY in this movie's desired demographic. If two pre-teen boys couldn't stand that movie ten years ago…how funny would it be to make an adult watch it today? My choice was clear.
My Time Spent with Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation
By Russell Davidson
Look, I’ve seen some bad movies in my day, some real stinkers. There’s the obvious ones, Plan 9 from Outer Space, Ishtar, Poseidon Adventure 2, Ernest Saves Xmas, Tank, hell, I’ve even sat through Newsies. Never say you’ve seen it all, though, until you’ve seen Mortal Kombat 2: Annihilation.
Here are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts, as they occurred to me during the screening:
Minute 1: Since I hadn’t seen the first Mortal Kombat movie, nor played the game, I figured to be a bit lost as to what was going on. Nice of them, they recap, amidst loud, obnoxious music and lots of FIRE.
Minute 6: James Remar! A real actor! Man, he must be dead broke to do this. Two babes to look at, a blonde and a brunette. They ease my pain. Ninjas fall from the sky. Time to fight! Everything rings of bad Saturday morning tv, lots of Power Ranger-type punching and kicking. Seems badly dubbed but turns out it’s just badly made. Fighting goes on forever.
Minute 15: Time to ride the giant rolling metal balls through the interior of the Earth!
Key line: “Do not underestimate the power of the human spirit!”
Minute 30: I’ve completely forgotten the plot, have no clue as to anyone’s motivation. Who is doing what to whom and why? Time for a fight. Is this movie over yet? Where’s that blonde?
Minute 38: Dream sequence. Scary images! Fire! Animality! Faith in one’s self!
Minute 43: Hot new babe joins our story. Thank the lord!
Minute 44: This movie reminds me of a porno movie without the sex.
Minute 50: Strikes me how drab the bad guys are. Where’s Christopher Walken when you need him? Or Dennis Hopper? Or Gary Oldman? Or Willem Defoe?
Key line: “You keep talking about mergers and realms but it don’t mean squat to me!”
Minute 55: A girl fight! Best scene so far. Way too short. Why can’t this be the whole movie?
Key line: “I don’t know if I can handle this whacked-out shit, but you sure look good in mud!”
Minute 62: More Remar. Lots of candles. Elder Gods and exploding ruins. Time for a fight! Hey, Remar’s in pretty good shape!
Minute 70: Some sort of desolate future Earth is presented. The World Trade Center is burning in the background, kinda spooky. A big battle is soon to be waged. First, all of our characters have to face their personal demons, triumph over them, then kick the piss outta the bad guys. They’ll do this.
Minute 77: Remar is killed!
Minute 78: Now our heroes are mad. Let’s fight! Kick, punch, jump, tumble, dodge, parry, flip, soar. For a moment, if looks as if our intrepid band of Earth-savers are in trouble, but, showing something special, they get it together and do some serious damage!
Minute 83: Bad guys are vanquished. Earth is restored! That was a close one! Hey, and Remar is also restored! Right on!
Minute 85: The value of Family is discussed.
Minute 88: Mortal Kombat music! Fire! Headache!
So there it was, over, watched by me. I could be open to its messages, that of friendship and self-confidence and unity but I’d rather not. It just sucked too bad. Thanks, Rob, for putting me through this. I owe you one.