Written by: Mike Caccioppoli, Feature Film Critic
A by-the-numbers review for a by-the-number movie.
In honor of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, I’d like to submit this computer-generated, by-the-numbers review:
1. Plot: Characters Rick and Evelyn O’Connell come out of retirement to hunt down crazy dragon emperor mummy. Characters Rick and Evelyn O’Connell are in China where they encounter their son Alex….computer error….computer error…does not compute…does not compute…year of birth for actor Luke Ford playing son Alex is 1981, year of birth for actor Brendan Fraser playing father Rick is 1968..does not compute…(umm, hold on folks I have to reboot this thing)………(ok, here goes)….In China they fight battles with the crazy dragon emperor who has been released from mummy state and wants to take over the world with his still frozen army….alert…computer matches plot with Hellboy 2..alert…alert..(hold on a sec)…alert..(OK, OK, let’s just move on to the next paragraph)
2. Action Scenes: Characters fight crazy dragon emperor mummy and must stab him in the heart with special knife to kill him. They chase him through streets of Shanghai…queue computer generated effects….cars being demolished, guns being fired, crazy mummy killing people with special crazy mummy powers. They fight him in the mountains..queue computer generated effects..lots of snow, huge snow man creatures, avalanche, characters get buried in snow. They battle him in the desert..queue computer generated effects…crazy mummy summons army, character named Zi Juan summons good army buried below great wall, army’s clash, much mayhem. Characters still trying to stab crazy mummy in the heart with special knife.
3. Dialogue: Characters attempt funny remarks as they fight crazy mummy. There’s a mummy on the loose! I hate mummy’s they never play fair! You guys are like mummy magnets! These guys are good undead guys, right? I killed the same mummy..twice! HA…HA…HA….HA…HA…(wait a sec computer seems to be stuck….OK fixed it)
4. Performances: Brendan Fraser has deep voice and cheesy grin and calls his performance in on the phone (sorry guys some things just don’t translate, the computer means his performance seems phoned in). John Hannah provides annoying sidekick role, Maria Bello needs a better film, Luke Ford needs Abercrombie and Fitch ad….ad…ad….
OK, my computer is getting over heated a bit so I’ll wrap up this review by saying that a movie gets the kind of review it deserves. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor was made with the least amount of effort needed to make lots of money. Doesn’t seem to compute does it?