Written by: Paula Haifley, CC2K Horror Chick
CC2K's Horror Chick pits two gooey horror classics against each other in a battle royale.
Every October, I do nothing but inhale horror movies, and horror films number 24 and 25 on my October calendar were a double feature of two ‘80s “monsters that came out of asteroids from space that want to eat you” movies at the Cinefamily in Los Angeles. How does the remake of the people-devouring giant glop of Jell-O The Blob stack up to the giant space penises with teeth in Deadly Spawn? I’ve scored them in all the important points of space monsters that eat people, and the winner … well, it probably won’t surprise you at all.
Deadly Spawn: Two young men camping see the asteroid land and follow it.
The Blob: Old Homeless Guy and his dog see the asteroid land and follow it.
Point goes to: The Blob. An itinerant, probably drunk gentleman who won’t be missed should always be the first to die.
DS: One camper stares at the asteroid while the other goes back to the tent to get the camera. Both are eaten.
B: The homeless hobo POKES the asteroid! Ladies and gentlemen, we have an asteroid poke! The Blob pulls way ahead!
Point goes to: The Blob, by leaps and bounds. You can’t have a great monster from space movie without pokin’ the asteroid. Bonus points because the hobo isn’t eaten, but the blob attaches itself to his hand, thereby increasing its size and getting itself transported into town.
DS: Two brothers, Pete, (Tom DeFranco) a high school science major and his ten year-old brother Charles (Charles George Hildebrandt) who’s obsessed with monster movies. They stare at the monsters a lot, run away, and finally, triumph… after their parents and the girl Pete likes are eaten.
B: Brian, a teenage juvenile delinquent (Kevin Dillon) with a motorcycle and high school cheerleader Meg (Shawnee Smith) kick ass and save the town.
Point goes to: The Blob, with bonus points for the casting of Bill Moseley as Solider #2.
DS: Producer John Dods made the monster in his basement, found two other producers, and they came up with a cool story about the monster. Then they hired writer/director Douglas McKeown to make a script out of the cool story. You can kind of tell.
B: Chuck Russell directed and co-wrote with Frank Darabont. This is the team that gave us Nightmare on Elms Street 3, one of the best horror films of the 80s.
Point goes to: do you even have to ask? THE BLOB!
DS: It looked like three giant penises with tentacles and teeth stuck together, which spawned small tadpole penises with teeth that crawled on the floor.
B: A giant blob of acidic jell-o that eats you while you’re still alive.
Point goes to: This is personal preference. Would you rather be eaten by a bunch of tiny male sex organs or a giant dessert? Yeah, I’m going with the Jell-o on this. The Blob.
How They Kill The Monster
DS: Charles his horror movie special effects to blow it up.
B: Meg freezes it by blowing up a snowmaking truck. Brian saves Meg from being blown up too.
Point goes to: While they both involve explosions, the one in the Blob is bigger. The Blob.
DS: Pete runs into the living room to tell his uncle about the monsters, only to find his uncle, dead, being devoured, tadpole spawn monsters feeding in his empty eye sockets. Gnarly.
B: So many to choose from: the guy who gets sucked through the drain in the sink, the woman crushed in a phone booth and eaten up… but my favorite is football player Donovan Leitch being digested alive in front of Shawnee Smith, who pulls on his hand in an effort to free him… and comes away with his severed arm.
Point goes to: Both. It’s even.
DS: We thought the monster was dead … but it wasn’t! And it breaks through what is obviously a miniature model of the set!
B: We thought the monster was dead … but it wasn’t! And a creepy revivalist reverend will eventually bring it back!
Point goes to: The Blob.
The Blob: A million points
Deadly Spawn: Good for laugh.
The Winner: The Blob, by slimes and bounds.
To check out the other awesome horror double features at the Cinefamily this month, visit http://www.silentmovietheatre.com/calendar/