Written by: Rob Van Winkle, CC2K Staff Writer
ABC’s The Bachelor is a terrible show that claims to be about finding love on national television, but is actually about watching shallow people decide which of a smorgasbord of available sex partners they most want to bone. I have been railing against it for years (I wrote this Crapfest piece years ago. There have been SEVEN more seasons since it was first published, yet I contend that it is still as accurate now as then), most notably because my wife loves it, and so I am subjected to it week after week, season after season.
But after years now of watching this parade of flesh masquerading as high concept, the most recent season finale of The Bachelor was perhaps the most entertaining thing I have seen on television this decade. Not in and of itself, but because I (alone in this world) got to watch my wife watching it as it unfolded in real time.
This season was SUPPOSED to be different. Every season prior to this one, the man they picked to be “The Bachelor” was a barely-disguised douchebag who used the opportunity provided him either to french kiss his way through a gaggle of shallow barely-disguised sluts, market himself for his flagging entertainment career, be it “music,” “acting” or “sports,” or both. But no matter who the dude, or what the season, several things happened at the end every time:
- His final choice would come down, in my wife’s eyes at least, to an especially shallow woman that he wanted to fuck, and a nicer and perhaps slightly less hot woman that he MIGHT have a chance at real love with.
- He would always – ALWAYS – pick the hotter woman.
- Their relationship always ends a few months after the show wraps, once he has finally had a chance to bone her.
But this year…ABC gave us Jason.
Jason Mesnick appeared on last season’s The Bachelorette, the star of which was a hot but bland chick who was dumped in the PREVIOUS season of The Bachelor. In that show, he made it to the final two, showing himself for all the world to be what seemed to be a great guy and a devoted single father (who, apparently, is also good looking and well-sculpted). The other finalist in that show was a dipshitty snowboarder who said things like “Man, when she said that, I wasn’t siked.” When the end came, Jason was so sure he had won that he dropped down to one knee and proposed, right before she dumped him (because, let’s face it, she wanted to be boned by the snowboarder a bit more than him). He was heartbroken, and ABC swooped in. Perhaps now they could finally put an actually good person at the head of their flagship reality show, and at least ASPIRE to some moral high ground!
For the entire season, he seemed to be everything ABC was hoping for. Sure, he still tasted every girl’s tongue like every bachelor before him, but he did so with moony eyes and a drippy voice, as though to reassure everyone that he really truly honestly had everyone’s feelings in mind as it happened.
At the finale, he once again narrowed it down to a relatively sweet cheerleader, and the evil slightly hotter blond chick. My wife was convinced that this was the night when her pick finally “won,” and it sure seemed to be the case when he did in fact send the blond chick home, and proposed to the brunette. Several swooping helicopter shots later, the show ended in drippy saccharine goodness.
And that’s when things got good.
IMMEDIATELY following the finale, ABC aired the obligatory “After the Final Rose” show, where the host solemnly informs us that this hour will be taped without a studio audience, to keep things as intimate as possible. Jason comes out looking sincere and sad, and informs us that once the show stopped taping, things with his chosen bride-to-be have been different. He went on and on about how the chemistry has changed and that he doesn’t feel the same anymore, but the unspoken words were as clear as though he had shouted them – once he banged her, he realized he didn’t want her anymore. He then said that he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about the slightly hotter chick that he sent home at the finale – AKA the girl he HASN’T boned yet. Over the next hour, he DUMPS his “fiancée” on the show, then ASKS THE OTHER CHICK OUT!! AND SHE SAYS YES!!!! Once again, we are treated to panning shots of him making out with a woman we don’t like much, and the credits roll.
Even if you’ve never seen a single episode of The Bachelor, you have to recognize the true beauty of this moment. Somehow, the guy who was supposed to set the moral compass for this show’s future pulled off the sleaziest move in its history! This is the equivalent of banging a girl, dumping her, then asking out her sister, all while their entire family watches. Not only is his “relationship” with this second chick doomed as well (perhaps two, three weeks after she finally gives it up to him, tops), but if there’s any justice, he’ll be seen by all womankind as the biggest tool in the world. And the hang-doggiest expression in the world will not change this. The only thing more perfect was the look of horror on my wife’s face, as the show she claims to love betrayed her once again, in the worst possible way.
Well done, ABC. You outdid yourself again!