Written by: Chad Jarrah, Special to CC2K
What is High School Musical 3 minus the music? Still a shitty-ass movie.
“I’m going to Spain!” “I’m going to Spain!” “I’m going to Spain!” It had been years since I’d been on a trip outside of the U.S and I couldn’t wait to get going. As a counselor working in an elementary level Emotional Support classroom, Easter break meant a long weekend away from students that threatened to, ‘wrap their snake around my neck’ or ‘stick a pencil up my nose’ to me. I had been itching to get away for some time and after a decent income tax refund and an invite from a friend abroad, the stars seemed to be aligning themselves in my favor.
This trip would be kick-ass and I knew it – a country full of hot Spanish girls and Spanish food was one that was sure to make me happy. I also knew that I was intending to do it on a budget. As far as I was concerned, I was already ahead of the game. I got a great deal on my flight and got hooked up with a place to stay, free of charge. So far so good. Now all I had to do was avoid minor amenities along the way and I would feel better about breaking out my wad once I got to Seville. Temptations were everywhere, but the jacked up airline/airport prices made resisting easier:
- Trail Mix, retail value $1.99–Airport cost, $4.69 – Damn, I guess I don’t need a snack.
- Latest issue of Maxim, retail value $3.99–Airport cost, $5.99 – Damn, that chick from The Watchmen looks hot – resist Chad, stick to your guns – save now, spend later.
- Soft Pretzel, retail val – ah, fuck it – I love soft pretzels.
Once aboard the plane and in the air, I assumed the costs would stop. Not so. The days of complimentary conveniences had passed–now everything had a price attached to it – an extra drink, a magazine, a bag of nuts– where would it end? I took a stand when it came to the headphones. Charging two bucks to borrow a pair of shitty plastic ear pieces? What had the airline industry come to? I was disgruntled at the injustice of it all and cursed under my breath to alleviate some of my frustration–” Fuck Howard Hughes and that bastard DeCaprio for playing him – bitches.”
I was upset, but it didn’t matter – I was on my way to Spain. If the lady that looked like a guy in front of me could deal with chicken rather than fish, I could deal with this. I would just watch the movie without sound. No biggie. Just as I finished my thought, the lights began to dim and the movie began to play. My frugality turned out to be a blessing in disguise. A star bedazzled screen slowly formed into three of the worst words and one of the shittiest numbers ever to be combined – High School Musical 3. Fuck me. Whatever. This wasn’t gonna stop me. I would watch it anyway–after all, what else could I really do? But at least I wouldn’t have to listen. Deep breath Chad– and – GO:
Opening shot: a sweaty douchebag by the name of Zac Efron. What a tool. It looks like he’s upset because his team is losing a basketball game. It’s halftime and the coach comes in the locker room to give a pep talk. Pep talks are kinda lame and uninspiring without sound. Halftime over; I guess the team seems pumped. Oh God–it looks like he’s singing right in the middle of the game. Of course you’re team is losing if you decide to sing with your girlfriend right at a pivotal point in the match. Oh wait. Forget it. I guess the singing did the trick – they just won. Lame-O.
Zac and his team are at a party now. It seems way too extravagant for a high school after game party, but maybe I missed something without the sound. Maybe the winning game saved a kid from dying of cancer or something. And where’s all the alcohol? What kind of shitty high school party is this? The black haired girl, I’m assuming Efron’s girlfriend, is hot, and it just occurred to me that I know Zac Efron’s name. I just downgraded myself on the man-meter from Knight Rider status to Jared the ‘Subway’ sandwich guy status.
Back at the high school and enter a blonde slut. She is very self-centered by the way she carries herself, but I think she’s ambidextrous – she just opened two locker combinations simultaneously. Not bad. The blond slut and, it looks like all of the main characters, have converged in the auditorium for some kind of play rehearsal. Wow–this movie really makes sure to incorporate every stereotype imaginable – blonde sluts, gay guys who like to dress flamboyantly, nerds with glasses – is this what we’re teaching America’s youth?
I should focus more on this movie so I can write a better review, but a smokin’ Spanish girl just walked by me on the plane. Its ok, I didn’t miss much. These idiots are singing and dancing again. I give ‘em credit though – the dance numbers are very involved and well-choreographed – lots of fireworks and fancy costumes–wait, did I just think that out loud? I just downgraded myself again from Jared the ‘Subway’ sandwich guy status to Clay Aiken status.
The school in this movie is massive. None of the students ever look like they are learning anything even by fake movie learning standards. All they participate in are their extracurricular activities – drama class, basketball games, cooking classes and long lunches filled with singing and dancing. And I think this play is a big deal to these kids. It keeps being referenced and–Jesus–more singing and dancing. I know this is a musical, but give it a rest.
(I’m getting a little sleepy now–fight it Chad–must–finish watching–nonsensical garbage.)
Ok, so I’ve gathered that the blond slut is out to get Efron’s girlfriend. I think they’re like Betty and Veronica–kind of a love/hate thing going on. They’re both really attractive though and I’m beginning to wonder if I should feel guilty about wanting to have my way with actresses playing seventeen-year old characters. Nah–
For some reason Efron and his Justin Guarini haired friend are in an auto parts lot and I’m witnessing them gay up some of the manliest things we have to offer – junkyards, old cars and sharp objects. Can anyone take a wild guess on how they managed to do this? You got it–singing and dancing–and they even threw in some skipping for good measure.
Things look like they are going smoothly for everyone except for the blond slut. She wants to be in the limelight and thinks getting rid of her ‘Betty’ is the answer. Somehow she found a way to send her nemesis packing (‘Sold’ Real estate sign in the front yard of Efron’s girl’s house as she and her mother drive away.) Now Blondie has taken over the school play and Efron hates basketballs – he’s angry and shows this by punching and kicking basketballs; singing, dancing and stomping all over the school while lightening crashes in the background. I’m scared.
Well, it’s time for the big play and I don’t care. This time it’s not a rehearsal because there is an audience, but for as many times as I’ve seen clips of it, I have no idea what the play is about. Lots of pink wigs, a fake house backdrop, and a Boy George look alike. It doesn’t matter I guess, because the blonde girl’s plans have been overcome somehow. Efron and his girlfriend are back in the play and I still don’t care. The play ends, graduation happens on stage immediately after (?) and a bunch of speeches are made, thankfully, in all their muted glory.
And, of course, more singing and dancing. Whew!
Finally, High School Musical 3 is done and I am a few hours away from touchdown in Spain. I’m tired, I’m anxious and I’m sick of high schools and musicals. I think there is only a small demographic of anyone who would be interested in watching this movie. You must either be a pre-pubescent teenage girl with no standards for quality cinema or music–or, a passenger aboard a small aircraft with no headphones and plenty of time to kill. Hopefully you’re not either.