Written by: Joseph Randazzo, Special to CC2K
Let’s just start off by stating that this article is going to leave some people offended. Mainly because they have issues thinking of their superheroes as beings with real needs. You just have to accept that it is the year 2009 and that none of this is real. So deal, Fanboy.
Now if there is one thing I know, it’s sex with women. If there’s one thing that has me hopelessly confused, it is comic books. Wait…no…switch those two: I know comic books, and I have had glimpses of women in book stores.
So I decided the best way to satisfy my two loves (one real, one imagined—not sure which is which) was to merge them in an intricate compilation of superhero’s sex lives. (Doesn’t this sound sad and lonely? I wept while doing it.)
Anywho…there are many pros and cons to having sex with a superhero. The fitness levels and bust sizes are lowly pros when compared to unstoppable stamina and well…overall superpowers. But the cons are also are also quite numerous. That is not even counting the constant coitus interruptus of distress calls (“I’m so close, damnit—just let the ship sink!”) and not being sure which Flash is under that mask. (How many of them are there anyway?)
The following is an case by case basis of the pros and cons of sexual relations with the various meta-humans of the DC and Marvel universes. (My God how I wept.)
(Also: let’s just assume for the sake of the article that normal physics and human anatomy and physiological conditions do not apply to any of these characters. It’s kind of like comic books in the sixties.)
Pro: Resembles Rebecca Romijn.
Con: Could resemble Bea Arthur if she wanted.
Pro: Married to Vision, an android, so you may be a nice cuddly change of pace.
Con: Can you really compete with a mechanical device? I can’t now, and it’s not even from the future. Also, I heard this crazy rumor that she’s got some issues with mutants.
Jean Grey, a.k.a. Phoenix
Pro: Telekinesis and telepathy means that if she wanted it could feel like many hands and things moving at once. It’s like having group sex, but with one woman—and thus, fewer awkward conversations afterwards.
Con: Just when you think she is done, oh no, she’s not done. This will go on continuously for years.
Pro: Has pheromones that make men all hot and bothered. (Usually, that’s just called being a female.)
Con: There goes football Sundays on the couch. Her: “Come on honey lets go shopping.” You: “But I don’t want to…what’s that smell? Damnit, whatever you want dear.”
Pro: Master of secrets. And maybe secret spots. Has that caught on in the mainstream yet?
Con: I’m pretty sure she will kill you when done. Good luck sleeping after that.
Pro: No real superpowers, so less risk of her accidently breaking your clavicle while getting frisky. (Heh…Frisky Cat.)
Con: Bad luck with guys. Ya get it? Black cat? Huh? Huh? (Kill me.)
Pro: Probably would be into some heavy stuff.
Con: Daredevil’s former lover turned into the ruler of the evil Hand. (And no, that’s not a masturbation joke.)
Pro: Loves playing dress up with wigs.
Con: Say goodbye to nice glassware.
Pro: Bondage queen—or, rather, bondage princess.
Con: Good luck being the dom in that power exchange. Also, it costs a fortune to have those bracelets polished.
Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy
Pro: What’s the deal with them? Really good friends or what? Was this ever fleshed out? That’s enough to make my pro list.
Con: The ex-boyfriends and plant fetish? That’s worse then owning multiple cats.
Pro: My God woman, put a T-shirt on over those! You could put an eye out.
Con: Basically has Superman’s powers. You get that right the first time…or else.
Pro: You don’t have to look her in the eye. (My God, do I have intimacy issues or what?)
Con: Could be really fat or unattractive. Really, how would you know? Also, good luck looking at porn in that house.
Pro: Super hot lesbian.
Con: Cons? What cons? Well, there is always the fact that she won’t sleep with you…
Pro: Nice guy. Super grateful to be there.
Con: What are you blind? Oh wait, you probably are.
Pro: Can go anywhere anytime. Good vacation sex.
Con: Lois’s womb being blown out of her spinal cord.
Pro: Shape shifter. Can be anyone you want him to be. Like sweet, sweet Brad Pitt…or um, whoever girls are into. That was just an example, and in no way my personal taste. *Sigh*
Con: He’s a telepath. Creepy. How could you lie to him? “No, really, that happens to a lot of guys.” Then he goes and weeps in a corner. Way to go. You made a Martian weep.
Pro: If one can’t perform, there are at least two other replacements.
Con: Has to recite that stupid poem every time he wants to recharge.
Pro: The toys—he is probably the kinkiest bastard alive.
Con: The weeping afterwards. The man has got some serious issues.
Pro: There was going to be a taste/smell joke, but I felt it was inappropriate.
Con: I mean, come on. He’s totally gay.
Plastic Man/Mr. Fantastic/Elongated Man
Pro: All have the ability to stretch their body into any position and size and shape. Variety is the spice of life.
Con: Plastic Man is batshit crazy. Mr. Fantastic is probably too busy building his transmographier or whatever to pay attention to you. Elongated Man has to take drugs to achieve the effect—kind of the like the superhero Viagra spokesman. Also, he’s dead.
Pro: Girls say their number-one turn on is a sense of humor. Prove it.
Con: Not the kind of toys you want to play with. Also takes longer with makeup then you do.
Pro: Can talk about smart stuff with you. “My. That was like dew on a bright summers day.” (Can you tell I’m not good with the smart dialogue?)
Con: Name leaves a hell of a lot of room for disappointment.
Pro: Animal in the sack. Cuddler after.
Con: May like it rough. Good luck finding a bed to support that.
Pro: No pesky body hair.
Con: Where the hell are his genitals?
Pro: Heightened senses means you don’t have to try as hard.
Con: Keeps thinking nipple bumps are Braille. Also kind of a player.
Pro: Has a sweet bike.
Con: Every part fleshy of him turns to hellfire. Also, not the most forgiving guy. Do not cheat on him.
Pro: Amazing positions. Flexibility—the man can literally hang off walls.
Con: The constant whining. I mean for god sakes, shut up, we get it. You have powers. Did anyone else like the third movie better when he was an asshole? Just me?
Pro: Stamina. The man can run around the world and through time. He’ll be ready when you are.
Con: Seriously? Think about it. Fastest man alive is all I am saying. Also, I would think that much friction would be terrible. That’s just me though.
Con: I’ve never even seen the man smile. Does anyone think this would be fun?
Pro: He knows what you like.
Con: He knows everything about you. Like everything. It’s seriously creepy.
Pro: What is with rich guys and toys?
Con: The man is an alcoholic. You know the sexual con of that.
Pro: Body of a God—specifically, Thor the god of thunder
Con: “Did thouest like that? Verily I didst.”
Pro: Good if you’re into cutting and knife play. Self-proclaimed best at what he does.
Con: Can’t remember what you like, or who you even are. Also has a history of dead girlfriends. Good luck with that.
Pro: Peak of human perfection.
Con: How dare you even think of a con for him! Oh, wait, I got one—he may have a penchant for screaming out “Stars and Stripes” during orgasm.