Written by: Russell Davidson, CC2K Sports Editor
I’ve lived a good life, so far, and as happens I’ve learned a few things. One of them is that sports are fun. Problem is, there are more sports out there than there are bees in Betsy’s bonnet, and it takes time to wade through ‘em all. So I’ve saved you the trouble.
1 – ULTIMATE FRISBEE – yeah, I’m biased, having played the game for 20+ years twice a week, but nothing compares to Ultimate. Smooth, exciting, non-stop, Ultimate is called that for a reason, and the flight of a disc is one of the true wonders of the world. More fun than is normally allowed by law.
2 – ROLLERBALL – cool as hell, though I’ve yet to actually play it. Still waiting for a Rollerball court in my town, as it happens. But the idea, first shown in the original film, then again in the remake, of skating around covered in spikes and sending people to the hospital is enormously appealing to me. Surely we need more viciousness in our games, no? People are way too squeamish.
3 – BADMINTON – more fun than it looks, this sports ranks highly with me because of the joy of nailing that little birdie. You can whack that thing with the force of a hundred Schwarzeneggers and it still won’t go that far. I like that. Played by toddlers and grandmas alike, Badminton succeeds in its simplicity and its physics.
4 – Any kind of DEATH RACE – once again, inspired by films, this is one sport that needs to be nurtured and encouraged. It could be tame, ala Cannonball Run, in which innocents are left alone, or nastier, like Death Race 2000, where anything and everything goes. Just plop a bunch of cars in NYC and see who gets to LA first. What’s the big deal? An absolute natural. Enough fiction, let’s make it happen.
5 – RIDING ROLLER COASTERS – takes nerve and a strong stomach, but few things give you the feeling of that first drop. And I seem to come off coasters lighter than when I went on, so there must be some exercise happening, some sort of wind-in-the-face lightening, making it healthy, right? Loads of fun.
6 – Primitive HEAD-BALL – read about this somewhere, where victors of a skirmish would lop off the heads of the vanquished and use them as balls. That’s really rubbing it in. You could play ancient versions of lacrosse, soccer, bowling, etc., with heads, allowing for a nice grisly touch to the events. Think of how much more fun football would be if you replaced the pigskin with a skull-skin, perhaps using the head of the previous year’s worst player. Not sure how you’d determine that, but these details can be worked out.
7 – BASKETBALL – is there any sound in sports as sweet as the swish? Can’t think of it. And it’s even sweeter when you’re the one making the shot.
8 – LINGERIE FOOTBALL – where has this been all my life? Absolute brilliance, here we have athletic, hot women crashing into each other. Mesmerizing, delightful, compelling, MAN I wish they’d let me play.
9 – DODGE BALL – kids of every generation must face the dreaded dodge ball. Straightforward, brutal, efficient, merciless, you either dodge the ball or get drilled by it. Many a delicate psyche has been destroyed by this game, as it should be. It’s the training ground for life. Either toughen up, or crawl away quietly.
10 – SEX – fun to participate in, fun to watch, no other sport is as exhilarating, most times, as gymnastic, sometimes, and as explosive, usually. ‘Course, there are side effects, like kids, disease, etc., but nothing gives you more bang for the buck than sex. Highly recommended.
So there you have it, the undisputed, the inarguable, the top ten sports of all time. Try a few and see!