Written by: Beth Woodward, CC2K Books Editor
After realizing that I had no adequate way of describing the wretchedness that is Forbidden Zone, the 1982 movie that I was forced to endure for April Fool’s Week, I decided the best way to review this movie was just to break it down as I watched, minute-by-minute. And here, for your reading (dis)pleasure, is what I came up with. (And just advanced warning: these clips are definitely not work safe.)
March 25, 10:53 pm: After three hours of psyching myself up for it after work, I’m finally ready to watch Forbidden Zone. I have no idea what this movie is about. Hell, I’d never even heard of this movie before it became my April Fool’s Week assignment. Let’s check out this description. “Welcome to the Sixth Dimension—a topsy-turvy universe of frog butlers, topless princesses, machine gun-toting teachers, human chandeliers, and the devil himself. They’re all ruled by the sex-obsessed midget king and his insane queen.” Oh, Lord. This should be interesting.
11:01 pm: Scrolling-roll opening, just like Star Wars. Only Star Wars doesn’t have a local pimp/heroin dealer. Well…unless Jabba was into more fucked-up shit than we thought.
11:03 pm: Oh my God, was that BLACKFACE? They have a guy in blackface playing the pimp/heroin dealer. There are no words…
11:06 pm: Five people sitting around a kitchen table, eating dinner—a family, I guess. Thirty seconds after the credits end, a guy pukes into another guy’s lap. Ewww. Also, why does the father—at least, I think he’s the father—have a really bad German accent, and the daughter have a really bad French accent, and the mother have a regular American accent? And why have they broken into song?
11:08 pm: Okay, so apparently, the “Forbidden Zone” is a door leading INTO the Sixth Dimension. I think. I don’t really understand this so far.
11:12 pm: Offensive stereotype #2—an old man with Doc Brown hair dressed in a Cub Scout uniform. I think he’s supposed to be the retarded brother. Has Sarah Palin seen this movie yet? If not, can someone please send it to her?
11:14 pm: Okay, now I think we’re in the Sixth Dimension. Or something. A set of bald, Yul Brynner-lookalike twins in nothing but bikini briefs. I guess Gerard Butler lookalikes would have been too much to ask for. Another reason to prefer boxers.
11:16 pm: Is that a frog or a dinosaur? And why is he wearing a tuxedo? (If the movie description is right, it’s because he’s a FROG BUTLER. Well, naturally.)
11:18 pm: Did Herve Villechaize really have so much trouble getting work after Fantasy Island that he had to stoop to this?
…Hmm, I guess he did.
11:19 pm: The princess in the Sixth Dimension apparently has some issues with clothing—she runs around in nothing but her underwear. Okay, so, if underwear is her only article of clothing, why is she wearing granny panties. WHITE granny panties. I mean, if I was gonna run around in nothing but my underwear, I’d be wearing a thong.
11:21 pm: Okay, I think we’re back in the “real world” now. And just in time for…OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPE #3—the redneck wife-beating husband.
11:22 pm: The retarded brother and the girl with the French accent (who is called Frenchy—creative) are going to school. And there’s a guy in a trash can. Wait, who is this guy? Why is he in a trash can? And why is he wearing more makeup than Boy George circa 1985? Oh, wait, here come offensive stereotype #4—Retarded Brother calls Trash Can Boy a faggot.
11:27 pm: So Trash Can Boy has a sister stuck in the Sixth Dimension. Only his sister is really his brother. He’s a cross dresser—yep, there’s offensive stereotype #5. Cue dream sequence of sister/brother in Sixth Dimension, playing music to the Fantasy Island guy and his wife, who looks like Morticia Addams. Ewww, wait, I think the frog butler just ate his/her ear!
11:29 pm: I think Trash Can Boy was masturbating. At least it looks like it. He’s hopped out of the trash can now…in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear. Something tells me this movie would be a lot funnier if I were drunk. Or high. Damn, where is that heroin when you need it? Oh, wait…I can’t tolerate opiates, so if I had heroin right now I would be, at the very least, puking my guts out. Which seems like an appropriate reaction to this movie so far.
11:34 pm: Is the teacher (with a machine gun) being played by a man, or a really, really ugly woman?
11:36 pm: Offensive stereotype #5—The black men in the back of the classroom dressed like pimps, taking “jive” straight out of Airplane, and pointing guns at one another. But at least it’s not blackface this time.
11:37 pm: One of the black man shoots his friend. The ugly-ass teacher confronts him, so he shoots at her too. She whips out her machine gun, and much shooting ensues. Okay, I have to admit, that was a little funny. I chuckled. Once.
11:40 pm: French girl leaves school and decides to take “a peek” behind the forbidden door. She slips on a roller skate and accidentally goes THROUGH the door. Oh, shit, never saw that one coming…NOT!
11:41 pm: Yul Brynner twins are back. They’re in a boxing ring, but they’re dancing. Why do they keep making farting noises?
11:45 pm: King Fantasy Island is taking Frenchy as a concubine, because he thinks the French are the master race. And Morticia Addams is singing and rubbing herself up and down.
11:48 pm: You know, I think I get it now. The movie is going for that same raunchy/absurdist schtick that the Rocky Horror Picture Show did a few years earlier. Except Rocky Horror had actually had catchy songs…memorable characters…great performances…and Tim Curry. Let's just face it: Herve Villechaize is no Tim Curry.
11:51 pm: King Fantasy Island and Morticia are making out! EWWWWW!!!!
11:53 pm: Why has King Fantasy Island dressed Frenchy up in Mickey Mouse ears? That’s about as sexy as granny panties.
11:58 pm: Retarded Brother and Farting Grandpa are going into the Sixth Dimension. Farting Grandpa is in nothing but boxers and a wife beater. I might prefer boxers over briefs…but in this case, I prefer parkas over boxers!
11:59 pm: The tunnel into Sixth Dimension looks like animated intestines. Retarded Brother and Farting Grandpa slide down. Gramps get stuck. It’s like constipation. Fart jokes AND constipation jokes—they’re really whipping out the toilet humor now!
12:01 am: Offensive stereotype #6—a Jewish moneychanger.
12:04 am: Why is Farting Grandpa dry-humping that prisoner, doggie-style? Or something. I’m so confused.
12:05 am: …And there goes Retarded Brother getting in on the action.
12:10 am: Princess Granny Panties is a sadist. She’s taking delight in executing Frenchy. Now, why are they executing Frenchy? I think because Queen Morticia is jealous because the King Fantasy Island has fallen in love with her. Oh, fuck…this is starting to make SENSE!
12:13 am: Farting Grandpa and Retarded Brother find the ex queen. Token retard dry humps her before he rescues her from her prison cell. She excuses herself to change a Tampax.
12:17 am: A public service announcement—if you’re going to smoke, do not toss your still-smoldering butt into a vat of highly flammable tar. It will explode and propel you into outer space. Thank you.
12:18 am: So, wait…back in the real world, the mother is sleeping with the blackfaced pimp/heroin dealer. Who knew?
12:20 am: Frog Butler is apparently a really bad lay. The girl he’s fucking doggie style (or is that froggy style?) is yawning.
12:22 am: The father’s accent (wait, how did the father get to the Sixth Dimension?) now sounds like faux Romanian, like something out of really bad Dracula porn.
12:24 am: The reappearance of Garbage Can Boy (in the real world) with the Boy George makeup. His mother is making out with a sailor. Maybe the sailor is his father, but I’m not sure. Then they beat him. No, sorry, not working for me. Child abuse = not funny. He also sleeps with chickens. And clucks like one. Also not funny.
12:26 am: Why is Farting Grandpa beating that poor guy with the Mickey ears? I think it was to get his pie. And what’s up with all the Mickey ears?
12:27 am: Wow, hey, apparently interdimensional phone calls…not a problem. Wonder what those long distance rates look like?
12:29 am: I think demons just took Garbage Can Boy to hell. Hell sounds a lot like a jazz club. Who knew?
12:31 am: Garbage Can Boy just got decapitated. Shit, he was the only one I kinda sorta liked.
12:32 am: I think the devil wants to have sex with Princess Granny Panties.
12:34 am: The father is with the queen for some reason. He sounds Yiddish now. Oh, wait, the queen just vaporized him. So…nevermind.
12:35 am: King Fantasy Island rescues Frenchy and tells her to leave the Sixth Dimension. And she’s in love with him. When did that happen? Did I miss something?
12:39 am: Catfight between old queen and new, complete with meowing sound effects. I’m starting to doze here.
12:43 am: The mother shot the queen. Queen dies. King Fantasy Island is unexpectedly sad. Wait…how did the mother get to the Sixth Dimension?
12:44 am: King Fantasy Island apparently doesn’t mourn very long. Frenchy is queen now. Princess Granny Panties is back. Wait, how did she get back? Did I miss something? Given the continuity errors I’ve seen within the last several minutes, probably not.
12:47 am: There’s an explosion. I think everyone dies. I don’t know why. The end. Sorry if I spoiled it for anyone.
Friday, March 26, 8:31 am: It’s probably no coincidence that after watching that movie last night, I wake up today feeling dizzy and vaguely hungover. But I guess it could have been worse. It could have been It’s Pat …