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April Fools Week: Stepping into Justin Bieber’s Pre-Pubescent World

Written by: Joseph Randazzo, Special to CC2K


ImageTo give you a little context here, before I play this CD (or collection of MP3s as it were) I have been listening to my Sinatra/Crosby/Buble playlist. Why? Because even though I am not yet thirty, at heart I am an old bitter little man.  I barely know who Lady Gaga is, so to say that I have no idea what I am stepping into is an understatement.

I am pretty sure that although I have very few cardinal sins to atone for, this will be my penance for the majority of them. I guess giving up soda for lent would be redundant after this auditory self-flagellation.

And so now we journey track by track into my uninterrupted stream of consciousness and the rabbit hole that is My World.

Track: One Time

The word Ay was said about thirty times. Oh God, this sucks already.

I’m 42 seconds in and this auto-tuning is already old.

Has this kid hit puberty yet? Seriously it’s like listening to the castrati of old Rome. 

He is going to tell you one time that he loves you. What the hell? Seriously? what is he Romeo? Read the book people, they were 14 TOPS. Makes it a little more creepy now, doesn’t it?

Why is he only going to tell her one time that he loves her? Women need to be told constantly that you love them, it’s a fact! A needy, terrible fact. That’s a rookie mistake kid. Pure Rookie.

Sigh. This song will be his next hit.


Track: Favorite girl

AAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHA. I’m not screaming, I’m quoting. Buy a thesaurus kid.

How can this kid have so much angst? Why is my head bobbing? Oh no, damn hooks. Usher had a hand in this. I know it.

More AAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

My favorite girl. When I was 15 you got a girl and you held on for dear life, there was no “favorite” you greedy little son of a  …. Anyway… AAHHHAHAHHAHAHAHA….

If I was 15, I would play this song for my girl, while we were riding the bus to Hot Topic and listening to my iPod with one earphone each. That would be romantic.

OK, this one was ok. Not terrible.

 

Track: Down to Earth

OWOOWOWO more quoting. More singing, mostly pre-pubescent crooning, but not too much terrible repetition…uhhh spoke too soon. Chorus just showed up, maybe he got his glee club to come over. That’s sweet of them. Think he had to get his mom to buy some pizza for them? Probably drove over in the dodge caravan that the older kid had. Damn cooler older kid with his learner’s permit, always getting all the chicks.

People under 17 shouldn’t really have room to talk about how they miss the old days.  It seems foolish. Like saying this movie sucks when you haven’t passed the opening credits. Get a real job and a girlfriend who nags you about  living together on Connecticut avenue, where all the shops are, even though she’s making “plenty” of money at the local Jamba Juice, but where’s the money go? I’ll tell you where it goes. Into shoes and purses, not rent. NOT RENT KID!!!!! Try that and then see if your little freewheeling life sucked or if you wouldn’t LOVE to go back to that.  The song ended a few minutes ago. I have vague notions of how it went, but I ain’t going back I tells ya. I ain’t.

 

Track:  Bigger

Did they just say Mafia? Weird.

WAS A PLAYA WHEN I WAS LITTLE, BUT NOW I’M BIGGER. Are you kidding me? Seriously? I think this song is all about how he has all grown up now and you should get with him. This kid’s got brass, I’ll give you that.

Why does this chorus keep repeating? I get it, you’re mature. You can vote and drink and raise a family. Oh…oh no wait you can’t. You’re 15. You can get your mom to drop you off at the mall and you can complain about how you have to read Siddhartha in Sophomore English.  Shut up kid.

 

Track:  One Less Lonely Girl

There’s going to be one less lonely girl, you get it? Because he is going to “come for you”. Hey girl, get out of your shell, stop writing in your tear stained Hello Kitty diary, JB is coming for you. God you must have been staring longingly out of your window and wondering if anyone was coming for you. Well they are, They’re outside your window right now.  The calls are coming from inside the house. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.  RUN GIRL RUN!!

Seriously Justin. Don’t tell girls that you are “coming for them” it’s weird. Know why? Try this dear reader. Stick out your index finger and point at someone, anyone. Now say “I’m coming for you” vaguely menacing or creepy isn’t it. It is. I say it is and the court says it is. Get a new pick up line buddy.

 

Track: First Dance (feat. Usher)

Finally some bass in a male voice. Thanks Usher for (ahhh no don’t let him sing, don’t call out to JB DAMMMNIT)

He just used the word chaperons, as a come on. There’ll be no chaperons, more creepiness. Jeez kid, who wrote this for you? The guy who owns the bike shop in the basement? (That’s for you 80’s kids out there)

Apparently the only chance you will EVER have at love, is to give the first dance to JB. I’m pretty sure he’s not talking about “dancing”. Seriously, he’s coming on like a drunk football player in a lifetime movie co-starring Judith Light. Come on baby, no one will know (actual lyrics), I’m surprised he hasn’t offered to play “just the tip” yet.

 

Track: Love me

Aww yeah, house music, female singer intro….DAMNIT….He’s rapping and “love me, love me, say that you love me” That song is by the Cardigans and it was featured in …Wait for it….Romeo and Juliet. Full circle, Justin. Full circle.

So in the song he tells his girl that he will give his woman (ha, woman) a little more money…because he loves ya. I think I found a serious issue Justin. A woman shouldn’t be with you because of your money. She should love you for your values, for making her laugh and for your awesome TOPS baseball card collections, never money. Also you shouldn’t beg a girl to tell you she loves you, you should see it in the fear in her eyes every time you hang out. If you don’t, then you should maybe tell her that “you’re coming for her”

 

Track: Common Denominator (bonus track)

Soft piano music… kinda soft, lovely even… aaaannnnnddd its ruined. OHOOHOWO.

 I think this one was just about him trying out his vocal range, here’s a hint for you… it’s not baritone.

2:32 in, still not sure what the Common Denominator is. I’m guessing its 42. But that’s my answer for everything. OHOOHOWO

 

Here’s a special bonus for you dear reader, the VIDEOS available on the album. Since I already reviewed the songs, this will be about the content of the video only.

 

Video: One Time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHVhwcOg6y8

He’s playing video games. And acting poorly… for some reason, the videogame sounds like Space Invaders, no joke. Its clearly an Xbox, and he scored “three” on his friend and is “killing him” but the sound editors are subtly undermining this whole operation. Good for you sound editors, good for you.

Usher calls, asks him if he can hold down the house. He agrees and promptly starts Iphoning his friend to come over. What a little…. Usher trusts this kid and he has all his friends over to Ushers cool house. Man… Usher is going to be MAD.

Stop putting up one finger JB, I get it, “one time”. I GET IT.

Girls on bikes, kids on skateboards, ok age appropriate invites.

Who is this lady who shows up? she’s not a teenager…She’s like 25. Way to swing big JB. Way to fail pedophile lady.

SILLY STRING!!!….IN USHERS HOUSE!!!!….OH MAN USHER IS GOING TO BE SOOO PISSED

CONFETTI!!!….IN USHERS HOUSE!!!!….I think we know what a certain person will think about this.

FYI: When you’re 5’4 you have no business calling anyone Shorty.

STOP POINTING AT ME. ONE TIME. I CAN COUNT.

Oh man, Usher’s home, here it comes, lay the hammer down Ush…

And Usher laughs and JB does that shrug thing. That’s about it. This is the kind of permissive “parenting” that got this country into this mess. Next time he tries meth in a truck stop bathroom, you know who to blame.

Way to role model Usher.

Way.To.Role.Model.  

 

There’s another video on here, it’s basically him trying to impress some girl at a Laundromat:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXUSaVw3Mvk

I would mock it as well, but to be honest, my heart’s not in it. I shouldn’t have read the liner notes before this video. The kid writes this whole thank you to his parents, grandparents, friends, fans and then to cap it off thanks Jesus. And it’s not hokey. It seems like this is a real sincere kid, who caught a huge break and is doing what he can and is humble and grateful and I can’t fault him for it.

The music isn’t my taste, and it’s full of love and some teen angst, but even as a curmudgeon before my time I remember what it was like to be 15. Everything was a huge deal and sometimes life really did suck, and compared to now, yeah those were easier times, but not by much and since it’s all you know, it IS the world.

However, you or someone in your writing phalanx is a creepy, creepy little man.

So Justin Bieber, you came out with a positive, happy, sometimes catchy, not so bad album that millions of teeny boppers will eat up and make out to in their basement. 

Well done kiddo.

Author: Joseph Randazzo, Special to CC2K

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