Written by: Big Ross, CC2K Staff Writer
And now a message from the mighty hero Deathspank, on his new game Deathspank.
Greetings, pasty couch potatoes! It is I, Deathspank. Hero to the downtrodden. Vanquisher of evil. Dispenser of Justice. The litany of my heroic deeds will surely be sung in songs and told in tales for generations to come. But with the realization that there is little money in the recounting of my deeds in bars and bedtime stories, I’ve taken the advice of my agent and decided to branch out into new markets. And so I’m proud to endorse my new, official video game Deathspank. Available now!
Deathspank allows you, soft, sedentary simpleton that you are, a rare opportunity indeed. The opportunity to walk in my mighty footsteps as I quested for that most powerful of artifacts, The Artifact. Fated to wield its unwieldy power, no foe was too fearsome, no destination too distant, no obstacle too obstinate to stand in my way. And let nothing stand in your way. Download Deathspank from Xbox Live Arcade today!
Through the magic of video games, the wizard Ron Gilbert has made it possible for you to don my mighty mantle and my purple thong and dispense my mighty justice, all from the safety of your own home. You will cut your own giant swath of destruction through the forces of evil, bringing peace and prosperity to the downtrodden. Your journey will be long and arduous, taking you from the Enchanted Forest to the Haunted Forest, which are two completely different forests, and from the depths of the Demon Mines to the heights of the evil Lord Von Prong’s castle. My path to glory was fraught with danger, needy NPCs, and smelly orphans. But filled with grit, determination, Totino’s pizza rolls*, and Code Red Mountain Dew*, you too will surely prevail in the end.
Along the way, you’ll find priceless treasures**, awesome armors, jinned jewelry, and wondrous weapons with which to wipe out wiley willains. Act now*** and included in your digital download of Deathspank is a series of limited edition ‘Hero Cards’ that bestow bonuses such as increased melee damage, faster movement speed, and access to more powerful weapons and armor that you will collect as you level up. Customize your inventory and build your very own Deathspank into a mighty warrior to rival my real world mighty warriorness.
If you are tired of sports games that change little but the year, fed up with first person shooters, or super-saturated with big budget sequels, look no further. Deathspank is here to shed light into your parents’ dark basement, inject some steam into your quasi-vegetative state, and mutilate the monotony of your gaming (and personal) life.
Your prayers have been answered. Deathspank has arrived. Until we meet again in Deathspank II: Spank Harder!, farewell socially inept citizens!
*These endorsements partially fulfill certain contractual obligations.
**In-game treasures have no real-world monetary value.
***Offer is not really time sensitive.