Written by: Goodtime Charlie, Special to CC2K
Elton John Spends a Scary Amount of Coolness Currency Date-Raping Gnomeo and Juliet into Existence
Despite whoring himself out to Rush Limbaugh for $1 million and not releasing a good album for a hundred years or so, Elton still has enough coolness currency left over from his seven consecutive number-one albums in the United States and putting the Pope in his fucking place to deserve his place in the sun. Barely. Where did he spend all this coolness in such a hurry? On this giant smelly turd: Gnomeo and Juliet.
For those of you not in the know, this regrettable project has regrettably been in development for an eternity. Many, many years ago somebody got stoned at one of Elton John’s castles (probably) and he became fixated on the idea of doing a version of Romeo & Juliet with animated gnomes–for which he, of course, would do the music and win another Oscar/Grammy/knighthood. Flush with coolness, Elton had no problem forcing the project onto Disney Feature Animation while it was roofied on the couch in his pool house, but when Disney bought Pixar (in order to release good movies again–SNAP) John Lasseter greatly increased his own coolness reserves by calling a turd a turd and kicking Gnomeo out the back door without so much as a how’s-your-father.
So Elton did what anybody in his enviable position would do–he climbed up on Harvey Weinstein’s solid-diamond desk and shoved good-ole Gnomeo down Miramax’s throat with ease. After all, Elton still had plenty of coolness left to spend [More than one could ever spend in a lifetime. We think. -Ed.] and he was not going to let this brilliant idea die on the vine, goddamnit! But then Miramax never woke up from the Gnomeo-induced coma, went bankrupt, and the project was dead and buried…until a recent full moon, when that zombie climbed out of the grave, walked over to Burbank incredibly slowly, and put the blocks to Disney’s Touchstone Pictures while it was on acid and totally distracted by some water dripping out of a faucet.
The bottom line here is that if Elton John doesn’t become President of Haiti and clothe the entire nation in sequined jumpsuits and velour top hats for a fast-motion, single-take-helicopter-shot music video within the next couple years he might not only have to forfeit his spot in Princess Diana’s tomb, but I might also have to leave him off my Christmas card list and get in on some of this Bieber Fever action that’s been going around…
Goodtime Charlie maintains a blog filled with equal parts whimsy and brandy.