Always around, asking us, challenging us, digging into our brains. We are quizzed from the day we are born (“Peekaboo, where’s your Momma?”) to the day we die (“What’s the meaning of it all?”). We are quizzed at home, at school, at work, at play. In fact, these days, I doubt you could swing a dead cat without hitting a quiz. So what does this tell us about the world we live in?
That we like quizzes, mainly. Not the school ones, of course, but these other ones, ones that allow us to judge ourselves in relation to others, that allow us to step back and look at who we are, in a way that is detached, clinical. They show us that, hey, what I like and/or do is really not THAT weird. Personality quizzes. Intelligence quizzes. Rankings, percentages, groupings. Hey, ease your mind with a quiz!
And nowhere is this more readily apparent than in the SEX QUIZ.
You may have heard of such things. Cosmopolitan has turned the Sex Quiz into an every-issue art form. Supposedly, they have a team of 38 writers locked in a windowless room working 24/7/52 coming up with new ways to ask the same questions, questions like “Are You A Tease?” and “Will Your Sex Life Sizzle Forever or Fizzle Fast?” These type quizzes can open discussions between couples, a form of therapy, kinda, a way to touch on a delicate subject. Now, this is all well and good, but I want my quizzes to dig deeper, to not be afraid to go where no quiz has gone before. And what did I find?
Do you know your Erection IQ?
Or how sleazy you are?
So you take your quizzes and feel better about yourself. You’re not a freak. You are among like-minded others. And now you know how sleazy/nasty/perverted/horny/and satisfied you are.
But are you happy? That’s where CC2K comes in. As we all know, there can be no great sex without great self-awareness. So self-aware, people, and take this quiz, prepared by a happiness professional, namely me.
CC2K’S SEXUAL HAPPINESS QUIZ
First, we gotta identify your sexuality. This particular question presumes you’re being a female, flip it if you’re a dude.
1) WITH WHOM DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH?
If you picked
A, you’re straight
B, you’re gay
C, you’re bisexual
D, you’re weird
Then, your Happiness Quotient is figured:
2) YOU HAVE SEX BECAUSE:
A) You like it
B) You don’t like it
C) You’re indifferent to it
3) WHAT’S YOUR PREFERRED LENGTH?
A) 15 minutes
B) 16 minutes
C) 8 and a half inches
D) 17 minutes
4) WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE POSITION?
A) The left
B) The right
C) The center
5) HAVE YOU STOPPED BEATING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
B) Er, no
C) I refuse to answer the question as posed
6) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CUP SIZE?
7) WHEN YOU HAVE SEX, YOU ARE USUALLY:
8) WHICH FRUIT AND/OR VEGETABLE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO BE PENETRATED BY?
A) A pineapple
B) A single split pea
C) A can of V8
D) Pearl onions
9) WHAT SONG BEST REFLECTS YOUR SEX LIFE?
A) “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg”
B) “Girlfriend in a Coma”
C) “Me So Horny”
D) “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”
E) “Stairway to Heaven”
10) WHICH BODY PART DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH?
B) Small Intestine
D) Your Johnson/Johnsonette
11) SO, ARE YOU SEXUALLY HAPPY OR WHAT?
12) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF QUIZZES?
A) They’re shit
B) They’re crap
C) They’re stupid
D) They make my head hurt
So add up your points, 1 for A and 2 for B and…..actually, why don’t we skip that part. All we want is the bottom line, the end result, right? And here it is:
IF YOU’RE HAVING SEX, YOU’RE HAPPY. IF YOU’RE NOT, YOU’RE NOT.
Simple, concise, clear, unassailable.
I shoulda been a scientist…