Patrick Kelly, CC2K TV Editor
The floor looks like it smells clean.
It’s not and it doesn’t.
It smells like a $500 bottle of Maker’s Mark after it was poured all over two girls from Ohio State who hate whiskey but love expensive things being poured on them. It smells like the business end of a $45 all-you-can-eat buffet, where only 10 minutes ago it lay in the gut of a Maryland fan that had one plate and one drink too many. Like a 4 am, 45 minute champagne room visit that your friends, your bank and your parents pleaded with you to avoid. Like excess.
It smells like typical Vegas.
People laughed. And laughed. And laughed. They laughed so hard they fell out of their seats. Seriously. And, it was all genuine.
All of the girls in the audience let out a collective AWWWWWW, so loud and long you couldn’t make out the next line of dialogue. As well as the line after that. There were literally screams. But the latter lines didn’t matter: the director and writer knew long ago that no one on opening weekend would hear them, much less care about them. They knew that everyone in the audience, even those that didn’t make a noise, would feel that contact and love and energy that can usually only be defined by inopportune opportunities and serendipity. They knew that everyone knew and was aware and ok with what they were ok with, which is completely beautiful. It wasn’t that they embraced it, it’s that they made us realize that we already had. It’s guy love. Between two guys.
Nip/Tuck Breaks Ground, Folding One Entire Season Into One Episode;Why Animal Collective's New Album Should Have Sex with Fox's New Show, Boldly Going Nowhere; Television, and a Network, Provide New Proof That America Kicks Ass; and Why Chris Myers Must Be Friends With Cal Ripken.
In an effort to capture the attention of the attentionless, and also to combat the prevalence and effectiveness of Tivo/DVR, television advertisers have been forced to think outside of the box. Since this “skill” of thinking creatively is generally reserved for those making good TV shows, the suits, obviously and predictably, have no idea what to do with the air time that have so generously bought. Seeing as “new media” --- the internet, the DVR, video-on-cellphone, on-demand--- has slowly grown over the past 10 years or so, you would think that the admen would have had ample opportunity to adjust to the new markets. But, still, they struggle. Instead of adapting to the new media of the world, the collective advertising suit has tried to shoehorn the TV ad formula into every other multimedia-driven advertising arena (Why, on earth, would you try and bring in an idea that you know is already disliked?). And result is predictable. It’s weird. Annoying. Awkward. And ineffective.
I decided to write an account of the 2008 presidential election coverage---mostly because the coverage is bound to be hilarious and partly because I (modestly) think it would be somewhat interesting to look back on in a couple years. This is not a commentary on the election or a commentary on the politics surrounding the presidential election; this is purely a commentary on the commentary, a description of the coverage of the 2008 Presidential (and congressional) election.
South Park Shits on Teacher's Desks, and Cancer
The Most Sexual Game Show Ever
Entertainment Tonight Confuses Me
Californication Outstrips Entourage
An Uneccessary Debate
CBS' New Hit Show! Yes! Another One!
This is where you will come to learn. To learn about things that you don’t understand, can’t understand or just plain don’t want to understand. This is the place where you will come to learn about the most important, most complicated thing in the world: TELEVISION. How will you learn about this medium, this medium that rejects superficiality and promotes unfettered artistic influence? I will teach you. How will you come to understand the inunderstandable? By me using words like inunderstandable, that’s how. Am I promising to unlock the secret of television? Yes. Am I promising that after reading this weekly column you will comprehend fully how Two and Half Men survives year after year and Studio 60 is buried before it has a chance to breath? Yes, I am. I will teach you what the fuck “Sound the trumpets, strumpets” means.
I am also extremely overconfident. And a liar.
However, I can assure you, truthfully, that I will fawn over LOST and deplore anything that resembles The Hills. I will also, most likely, cover the following:
• How television is affecting us, all of us, whether we watch it or not.
• Anything that appears on television. This includes television shows (30 Rock), made-for-TV movies (like Jessica Got Raped and Why That is Bad/Disheartening---I think it was on Oxygen), shows that talk about television shows (The Soup), debates (probably not), cartoons (Frisky Dingo), commercials, TV opinions that are both fair and balanced and other things.
• Something that does not relate to television, but I find a way to make it seem like it relates to television so I can write about it (women, how is awesome CERN is, exc.).
• Shows that are surprisingly impressive (so far: Fringe).
• Shows that are unsurprisingly shitty (so far: Worst Week).
• Shows that are unexpectedly entertaining (that show where the sole objective is to make the shape of a hole in a wall).
• Songs that should be on TV show soundtracks.
• Past TV shows that were underrated, underutilized and underappreciated.
Of course, this starts next week. This entry is not a warning, nor a boast. I am just telling you what to expect if you return to this section.
I hope you enjoy and return.