AlternaHotness: Off-the-Beaten-Path Pop Culture Crushes

Written by: The CinCitizens

Think about the “average” pop culture crushes.  If you’re thinking about women, this list probably includes people like Scarlett Johansson, Angelina Jolie, Beyonce, or even—if you’re feeling frisky—Jenna Jameson.  Among the men, the list would have names like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and—disconcertingly enough—Robert Pattinson.

Know what the problem with such a list is?  It’s boring.

Anyone can say that Beyonce and Johnny Depp are hot because almost everyone thinks so.  It’s safe.  It’s easy.  It’s not going to cause your coworkers to stare at you strangely.  But we here at CC2K like to think outside the box.   Who needs average pop culture fantasies when there’s a whole world of not-quite-A-list celebrities out there waiting to be obsessed over?  And it’s their very lack of superstardom that makes them more accessible, more human, and hell, even sexier.

Still need convincing?   Imagine you’re walking down the street one day and you bump into the Jolie-Pitt clan.  In a moment of bravery (or lunacy), you decide to walk up to Brad and/or Angelina and tell them how awesome you think they are.   They’ll probably thank you uncomfortably while looking around for the nearest escape route.  And if you decide to push the issue further and start talking about things like candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach in the moonlight, their friendly security guards—Vlad and Sven, FYI—would probably pick you up by your ears and deposit you into the nearest trash can.  On the other hand, if you approached someone not so godlike in stature, they would probably be flattered by the attention (as long as you didn’t get too stalkerish, in which case he/she would just be frightened).   They’d probably remember you afterwards.  Hell, play your cards right and you might even get a phone number or e-mail address.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

RACHEL WEISZ  
She’s hardly an unknown, but Rachel Weisz is criminally undervalued as a hottie. It’s been scientifically proven that sexiness begins with the eyebrows, and no one has a better pair than Ms. Weisz. She also seems smart. Brains and beauty? Look no further. Darren Aronofsky sure lucked out on this one.

NIGELLA LAWSON
A Food Network babe, Ms. Lawson has it goin’ on, and can lick a spoon like no other. Who wouldn’t want to have her bring you breakfast in bed, followed by the “main course?” There’s a certain allure to a woman cooking, preparing, chopping, tasting. It’s all very sexual  (food porn, anyone?), and I’d love to see Lawson naked, but probably not while cooking.

ELLEN PAGE
First caught her in Juno. A high school kid in that flick, she was a little young for me, but I could see where she was going: straight to hottness. Once again, she’s hardly an underground commodity, but see her in those new commercials, see her in that Roller Derby film, and you’ll see a complete babe. Give her a chance. A cutie-pie that I’d love a slice of, with or without ice cream on top.

MARGE SIMPSON
A cartoon character? Yeah, so what? This babe ain’t ever getting old, ain’t ever getting wrinkly, unlike the rest of us. And she cooks, cleans, puts up with her idiot husband, does it all. A timeless beauty, it’s clear why Moe has such a thing for her. I got one, too. (And as you can see from her Playboy spread, I’m not the only one!)

BRIT MORGAN
There was this great TV show on ABC Family last year called The Middleman, based on the comic of the same name. It was too good of a show to stay on the air, and unfortunately it was canceled after one season.  But it did thrust into my world Brit Morgan, who played the main character’s roommate. Super-sexy, lovely Brit cooed and innuendoed all over the place, giving me yet another reason to watch this well-done and entertaining series. Now that it’s gone, I wonder where dear Brit will pop up next. My front door, with any luck.

TYRON LEITSO
I discovered Tyron last year while watching the quickly cancelled series Wonderfalls on DVD.  He played Eric, a recently separated bartender and all-around nice guy who falls for quirky heroine Jaye.  Then I found him again on the SoapNet series Being Erica.  He plays Ethan, a recently separated teacher and all-around nice guy who falls for quirky heroine Erica.  As a quirky woman who loves all-around nice guys—especially all-around nice guys with beautiful bedroom eyes like his!—it’s only a matter of time before Tyron shows up at my door.  Or so I keep telling myself.

LEE PACE
Lee starred with Tyron on Wonderfalls, but it wasn’t until he played Ned the Piemaker on the short-lived Pushing Daises that he came into his own.  As Ned, Lee was the ultimate girl fantasy: the guy who’s so devoted to the woman he loves he stays with her even though he can’t even touch her.  He alternated between sweet and sad, jaded and romantic.  But what really did me in was those eyes, which always seemed to carry such depth of emotion, such intensity of expression.  And not every guy could have pulled off those eyebrows, but they work on him.  Here’s hoping Lee can find another worthy vehicle for that sexy intensity sometime very, very soon.

NESTOR CARBONELL/MARK PELLEGRINO
Good or evil?  Fate or free will?  Jack or Sawyer?  No, for me, the ultimate Lost debate in its final season is Richard or Jacob.

As the mysterious, non-aging Other, Nestor Carbonell prompted one of the series’ more enduring questions: Is Richard Alpert wearing eyeliner?  But after three seasons on the show, I think we can put that one to rest: it’s not eyeliner.  His stare really is that probing, that intense, enough to make you feel like he can see into your soul.  The epitome of tall, dark, and handsome, Richard’s got a lot of advantages: he doesn’t age (older man with experience, always a plus), he lives on a beautiful tropical island (great weather, lots of beaches), and he knows Latin (so he’s smart, too—bonus!).  Of course, he seems to be stuck on said island (and I like to travel, dammit!), and he’s always playing Follow the Leader (definitely not an Alpha male).

For years, we heard about Jacob, the mysterious “leader” of the others and apparent god of the island.  When we were finally treated to a glimpse of him in last season’s finale, my first thought was, “Holy crap, Jacob is HOT!”  Pros: definite leadership qualities, compassionate at times (showed up for the Lostaways at difficult/critical moments in their lives off the island), and people worship him.  And he’s got great hair.  Cons: arrogance (look at his treatment of Ben), tendency to not be around much.  He’s also dead (we think), a major strike against him.  But he’s still got great hair…

MARK RUFFALO
With his matinee-idol good looks and easygoing charm, Mark could have had a lucrative career as a perpetual rom-com lead.  And while he’s done a few of those (13 Going on 30, Just Like Heaven), it’s in more intelligent, independent fare (My Life Without Me, Zodiac) where he’s made the greatest impression.  With his unusual film choices and ability to portray even the smallest parts with deep emotional resonance (check out his performance in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind if you don’t believe me), Ruffalo has proven himself to be both smart and insightful—a totally sexy combination.  And even if the aforementioned matinee-idol looks aren’t the key to his appeal…well, they certainly don’t hurt anything!