The Nexus of Pop-Culture Fandom

April Fools Week: Casablanca Sucks…And Stuff

Written by: Kristen Lopez, Editor in Chief


There was only one way for me to succeed in writing a negative review of the 1942 classic Casablanca….time travel! Yep, I would have to travel back to a time before I appreciated what a work of art this movie is, a time before I loved all things classic film, a time when I was a complete idiot! So with the help of a helmet, a large tree, and a motorized scooter (some have a DeLorean, I have to work with what I got) I traveled back to 2004 to find the 15-year-old Kristen and have her watch Casablanca; she was less than enthused. Here’s her review.

Okay so Casablanca, this movie sucks! It tells the story of this guy named Rick (Humphrey Bogart according to the Internet) who owns a sweet bar in Morocco during a world war, I’m pretty sure it’s the second one. One day this girl that broke his heart named Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) shows up and wants Rick to help her and her husband get out of town and a lot of other stuff happens.

To start, this movie is in black and white which should be your first problem. I mean some color would have totally lightened up this film….hey that’s funny because it means two things! Not only is it in black and white but its hella long. Like over an hour and a half long! I got more important things to do than sit for 100 some odd minutes and watch a bunch of people mope and talk. There’s no action, no humor and there’s only one person of color, can we say racist?

Not only that but the characters are all snobby jerks. Rick, for example, refuses to help anybody. He always says “I don’t stick my neck out for nobody.” What does that even mean? I mean this girl is asking you for help; maybe don’t act like a total tool. I can see why she left you. I mean sure there’s a flashback to when they were happy but I couldn’t ignore the fact that he let that little guy, Ugarte (Peter Lorre) get arrested. I mean the least the guy could have done is stick him behind a curtain or something. And what is Ilsa even see in this guy, he’s really old, like old enough to be my dad! Ilsa’s WAY too hot for him. It’s easy to see why she’d be all over Victor Laszlo, he believes in things, and he was stuck in a concentration camp all the while Rick is trying to take his girl….tool!

The whole ending I guess is really important, I mean they have a whole section of Disney World’s Great Movie Ride devoted to it, so I guess it’s important. Anyway, apparently Rick is going to double-cross Ilsa…no wait he’s going to double-cross the cops…I don’t remember he’s just double-crossing people. I don’t understand why he didn’t just text Ilsa and say “this is gonna happen, act surprised.” Okay, well there weren’t texts but he could have picked up a phone or sent a letter. Do they do mail by camels in Morocco, is that racist to say? Anyway, we think Rick is going to leave with Ilsa, or maybe Victor’s going to hide under the luggage, but at the last minute Rick’s all “Baby I’m not going, I gotta stay here and rock this fedora.” And Ilsa’s all “Sorry I screwed you over.” And THEN, Rick tells Victor “I wanted to steal your girl. She’s hot and you suck.” And then Victor’s all “Well you’re old and I’m hot.” And then it ends with Rick and the cop guy having some type of “beautiful friendship.” I guess that means Rick turns gay or something. Yeah, Ilsa’s way too hot so he might as well.

This movie sucks, don’t see it. Spend time watching better movies like Clueless or Bring It On, movies in color! Hope you like my reviews…I’ll probably never write another one of these again, writing is hard.