Confessional 7: The work of Joss Whedon

Written by: Jimmy Hitt, CC2K Staff Writer

Why I Haven’t Seen Buffy the Series, Firefly, or Serenity Listen.  When the Buffy movie first came out in the early ‘90s, I was as stoked as anyone: a super hot Valley girl that could also kick vampire ass.  I vividly remember the last scene in the film, at the prom, when Buffy wore a gorgeous white dress.  Her tits nearly fell out when she did cartwheel stake attacks.  Her beauty was so grandiose that Luke Perry shaved for her and put on his finest leather jacket.  All in all, Buffy was quite possibly the finest B movie ever filmed.  It even had a handful of very famous actors including Paul Reubens, Rutger Hauer, Hillary Swank, Donald Sutherland, and David Arquette (homosexual?).  Simply put, you can’t fuck with the original Buffy. Enter Joss Whedon, perhaps the most overrated writer/director of all time.  He took a look at his résumé and realized that, Toy Story aside, he’d never written anything of much merit.  “Wait a second!” he said to the male dominatrix cupping his balls, “People liked that Buffy girl, didn’t they?” “Shut the fuck up and eat my shit,” said the dominatrix. So he decided to eat the shit and then later expanded Buffy into a series starring Sarah Michelle Gellar.  I recall quite well how, at first, people were slow to catch on to the show, mainly because the movie had been so successful.  “How could anyone replace Kristy Swanson?” I asked.  Turns out, Buffy became a massive hit on the scale of a Dawson’s Creek or even an OC.  Sarah Michelle Gellar was thrust into the spotlight along with other tri-named personalities like Jennifer Love Hewitt or Seann William Scott.  Good for her and good for Whedon.  Regardless of the show’s success, however, I never once watched an episode for one very important reason (OK, three): the WB or UPN or whatever this was on is a joke, it’s one thing to watch a movie with a female heroine, but quite another to watch an entire TV series, hanging on every word, and finally, who gives a shit about vampires anymore? Alas, I was about the only movie geek around who didn’t watch this show.  Just look at the way fans treat it on IMDB (text lifted from a fan). “The Gift,” the final episode of season 5…In this, the entire 5th season plot involving Dawn comes to a head and the final scene between Dawn and Buffy nearly had me in tears especially with the music composed by Christophe Beck. The way in which we only hear what Buffy actually says to Dawn after she has leaped into the vortex is a wonderful bit of writing.”   Commence hurling.  It’s a fucking TV show about a Valley girl who fights vampires, you pieces of shit.  This is not The English Patient we’re talking about here.  Get out of your mother’s basement, get a job somewhere other than Blockbuster, start lifting some weights, and go outside when the sun is shining.  You are not vampires, and you have no chance of scoring with any of the girls on this show—not even Allyson Hannigan. Still, Buffy ran for seven seasons, which is a shitload by TV standards.  Maybe it had something to offer.                       Enter Firefly, a very short-lived series Whedon created post-Buffy about a space crew or…forget it.  I don’t even know what it’s about, really.  I never even knew it was on TV.  I was busy ripping tubes in college, man.  What’s your excuse?  Oh, really?  That’s actually pretty convincing.  OK. Well anyhoo, Firefly gets cancelled almost right away so Whedon does what anyone would do in his situation: make a movie!  Actually that was a strange move. Called Serenity (another reason I didn’t see this was because of the pretentious-ass title) the film did modest box office and was released on DVD about a week later.  In fact, the only reason I know anything about this film at all is because I am an IMDB hound.  You can find me in the Ann Coulter section calling her a hermaphrodite, or on Haley Joel Osment’s page calling him a hermaphrodite.  The point is, I think a lot of people are secretly hermaphrodites. I guess at this junction I should tell you why I didn’t see Serenity despite the fact that I have seen almost every sci fi flick of all time—with the exception of the Alien series, but that’s another article. The reasons are thus: first of all, I am sick and tired of watching skinny ass girls kick everyone’s ass with some bullshit roundhouse kicks.  There are about a hundred movies too many that feature such a premise (Ultraviolet, Resident Evil, Fifth Element, etc).  So therefore, with the trailer showing a shiny-lipped Summer Glau kicking everyone’s ass, and the voiceover saying something like, “Oh no!  What is she?” I just couldn’t help but cringe at the premise.  It sounded exactly like The Fifth Element, actually.  Why didn’t they just hire Milla?  She seems ready to do every other shitty girl-fight movie. Second, I didn’t know any of the actors in this film.  Not exactly a prerequisite for a good movie, but when Adam Baldwin is the biggest name you’ve got, what do you expect? Third, I couldn’t stand any of the smarmy horseshit jokes in the trailers I saw.  They were all tongue-in-cheek, faintly Star Wars-ey, and I just can’t abide by that.   Space travel is not a laughing matter. Finally, the biggest turn off, for me, is the 8.0 IMDB rating and the legion of fans who would give a shit in a bag a 10 just as long as the shit came from Joss Whedon’s anus and not a stunt anus.  Fuck that.  I’m the type of guy who expects extra from my favorite directors and writers.  If there is even one inconsistency in something I’ve been anticipating, I react with fire and brimstone, baby.  I don’t support people’s work with blind faith.  Such support allows them to keep producing garbage over and over.  Just look at Weezer.  They put out one awesome album 15 years ago and get radio airplay no matter what for songs as weak as “Beverly Hills.” Now, having taken the time to ruminate on Joss Whedon’s “work”, I vow to actually see Serenity and report back to Cin City with my findings.  But I’m warning you: if it’s this easy to make fun of a film before I’ve seen it, that doesn’t bode well for my reaction.  Still, I will enter into Serenity with an open mind and, most likely, an open sack of chronic.  That should help.  But I’m not watching Buffy.  That’s where I draw the line.  Toodles. {mos_sb_discuss:4}