Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Late Night Cable

Written by: Scott Wance, Special to CC2K

Kids don’t know how good they have it these days.

If raging hormones get the better of them (and I think we can agree that this happens a lot), all they need for a little adult fun is a good internet connection and a minute-by-minute knowledge of Mom and Dad’s routines. (Knowing how to clear out the internet browser’s history comes in handy, too.) Back when the internet was still the mythical brainchild of Al Gore, kids were a bit craftier about how they got their rocks off. Some kids were lucky enough to come across Dad’s secret stash of Playboys, a few tagged along with an older sibling to a party (and all that can happen when teens gather together without supervision), and others used the handy older friend get their porn from a 24-hour convenience store.

And then there was (and still is) late-night cable.

With a little patience, a willingness to watch TV with the volume turned way down, and parents prone to turning in early and clueless about cable box parental controls, it was party time after 10:00. As the folks trudged to bed, secure that they’re “darling child” was completely wrapped up in a D-list sci-fi movie or a Golden Girls marathon (though there’s the risk of parents wondering other things about their children in that case), a kid just needs to recall the evening TV listings memorized from earlier in the day.

Finally, after the careful application of teenager ninja skills to verify that the lights are out and the folks are snoring away, it’s happy late-night fun time.

Many people say that they learned more about sex on their prom night than in the weeks of not paying attention during sex ed. (Of course, one can argue that the videos made when their parents were in high school aren’t all that informative anyway.) So naturally, the remainder of our sexual education comes via friends’ questionable advice and what we see in movies and TV shows. Most of us eventually realize that Hollywood tends to take more than a little artistic license from reality—cowboys firing six-shooters without reloading or heroes pulling off physics-defying stunts. It stands to reason that soft porn isn’t much different. Yet to an impressionable teenager, those late night movies are a misleading yet informative source of sexual awakening, so there’s no telling how much one can learn from them.

That is, until now…

Life in General

* Breast implants can be bought at Costco.
* Beautiful people are always ridiculously beautiful, even in prison—especially women prisons.
* Pregnancies? STDs? No one gets those from frequent and spontaneous sex!
* All public places are “clothing optional” for beautiful people because only ugly people can be arrested for indecent exposure.
* Sex cures depression, cancer, and can even bring the dead back to life.
* Knowing someone’s name before initiating physical contact with them? How quaint!
* Apparently “no” does mean “yes” if you’re beautiful and horny.

Careers

* One can have a high-level job when they’re barely old enough to drink.
* People only have to work five minutes a week by talking on a cell phone or checking e-mails poolside at a resort with a Mai Tai in hand.
* The ethical consequences of police officers, doctors and therapists sleeping with their respective suspects, partners, patients or clients aren’t very serious.
* If a police detective knows for a fact (even witnessed) that their suspect killed someone, they’ll eventually still sleep with them anyway.
* Prostitutes have feelings, too!

Sexual Awareness and Relationships

* Many believe that bi-sexual or bi-curious women are very rare, but in reality, all women will have sex with another woman without hesitation.
* It doesn’t actually take years to go through a “sexual awakening”; it really only takes days, hours or sometimes even minutes.
* All relationships go through tough times and nothing helps people through them like exotic trips where they sleep with lots of other people.
* The ethics and morality of cheating: It’s not okay to cheat unless a significant other has already cheated. However, both partners’ cheating is negated if both cheat on each other with the same person and especially if at the same time.
* The common belief is it takes the average man months—even years—to argue, badger, pester, beg, or wear down his wife or girlfriend to have sex with another woman in a threesome. Actually, it only takes minutes or seconds and those women always find that it’s the best thing to ever happen to their relationships.
* Beautiful people sure have a lot of time to ponder and explore their sex lives.

Intercourse

* People climax at exactly the same time, every time with mind blowing, Earth-shaking, “I found God” orgasms…even from a “quickie.”
* Clothing comes off in just moments without any awkward effort or fuss.
* Sex is totally clean and doesn’t require any bathing or cleaning up afterward. In addition, it doesn’t mess up your hair, leave hickies, bruises, or any other tell-tale signs that you’ve had it in as little as five seconds before someone walks in afterward.
* No one ever has to ask “Was that it?” “Where is it?” or “Are you in yet?”
* Screaming during sex is hot. Screaming as if you’re being drawn and quartered while skinned alive and covered in boiling oil is not.
* Either men’s junk is reaching mythical sizes or women’s anatomies have shifted to some weird places…this might be evidence of evolution in some cases.
* As a matter of fact, women can and do have amazing orgasms from dry humping.
* Sex with ghosts is a fetish that the porn industry really needs to further exploit.
* All men cannot wait to go down on women.

Appearance

* Professional women can wear semi-slutty business clothes that reveal their less-than-professional tattoos without damaging their image to clients.
* “Office casual” now includes miniskirts, hot pants and low cut and sheer tops.
* Tammy Fay Baker was a popular and influential make up consultant.  (And speaking of which, how the Hell can anyone do some of that stuff without smearing make up everywhere?)
* Everyone’s hair and skin is flawless and blemish free no matter how long they’re on a desert island, in the bitter cold, or wear tight, restrictive clothing.

Movie Acting and Production

* Who knew that a Caribbean villa can also double as a snowy Maine hunting lodge?
* All B-List porn actors must attend a critical but brief seminar on the fine art of “Shatnerian Acting.”
* Some actors can express a whole range of emotions through subtle, nuanced expressions. None of them are in soft porn movies.
* South Pacific islands, arctic tundra, deserts, and parts of the Middle East all strangely look like Southern California.
* Every mansion, house, apartment or shack in the woods comes standard with an outdoor shower or hot tub.
* Freshman college students roll right out of high school looking like they’re in their mid- to late-twenties.
* Nothing adds authenticity to a sex scene like an actor looking straight at the camera or nodding to a director’s comment.