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Heidi Montag’s Superficial Album (And the Things I Did to Avoid Listening to It)

Written by: Russell Davidson, CC2K Sports Editor

ImageIt took a very long time for me to work up the motivation to listen to Heidi Montag's album, Superficial.   But meanwhile, here are all the reasons I found to leave the room to avoid doing so

1.  Got a granola bar and ate it

2.  Checked the dog’s ear

3.  Opened a window

4.  Took out the recycling

5.  Called my Mom

6  Stepped out onto the front lawn and surveyed the street

7.  Looked into a mirror

8.  Daydreamt

9.  Raked my deck

10.  Watered a plant that wasn’t thirsty

11.  Scrubbed part of a wall

12.  Washed

13.  Stepped out onto the front lawn and surveyed the street, again

14.  Did the crossword

15.  Fine-tuned a clock

16.  Shoveled dirt

But then, like a good soldier, I threw myself upon the grenade, and listened to Superficial straight through, no chaser. Question is, am I the worse for it?

Now, it’d be easy to sit here and write about how God-awful it is, about the triteness of the lyrics, the lame, computer-enhanced vocals, the complete un-originality of it all. Too easy. I’m going deeper, gang, to defend this piece of %$#!’s existence.

This is America. And as such we tolerate. And we also acknowledge that different people like different things. Standards? Sure, but that’s kinda personal preference, wouldn’t you say? So if Heidi Montag wants to record an album, America will let her. There is a place on this Earth for everything, as long as it’s not criminal. Someone out there will hear this record and like it. It will brighten their day. It’ll bring a positive vibe. So then Heidi’s done good, right?

Put aside the drama/backstory of her life. Don’t think about all the plastic surgery she’s had and the more-or-less plastic life she’s led. Look at the record as a piece of work onto itself. ‘Course, it still sucks. Every note has been purloined from Britney Spears/Madonna/anyone else you can name cliché-ridden dance music. It’s got a beat. It’s got synthesizers. It’s got some bozo rapping here and there. Utter crap. But if someone wants to tell me they like it, I’ll bite.

There are bigger sins one can commit than put out a bad dance record. Is there talent on display here? No. Does she have a future in this racket? Don’t see it. Would I listen to Superficial more than once? Not in a million years. But I’ll defend to the death its right to be made.  

Heidi? Well, if I was her, I’d keep my day job.

Whatever that is…