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I want to F*ck You like An Animal: Horror’s Hottest Monsters

Written by: Paula Haifley, CC2K Horror Chick

CC2K's Horror Chick brings Fright Week to a close with a look at the hottest hotties in horror.

ImageNo, I’m not suggesting you should be turned on by Jaws, or have a special feeling downtown when you spy a special Killer Klown. This is my list of the top ten actor/monsters in horror, people who look like people… but turn into something else, something darker, something more brooding, more mysterious, and more inherently sexy because of it. It is the time of year when a young Horror Chick’s fancy turns to the monsters she’d most like meet in a dark alley… if they weren’t liable to rip her throat out.

10) Viggo Mortensen as Lucifer, The Prophecy

Satan was never sexier.

9) James Marsters as Spike, David Boreanaz as Angel, and Julie Benz as Darla, Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel

What’s hotter, the dark, brooding, mysterious good boy in leather or the platinum, mysterious, brooding bad boy in leather? How about the blonde girlish vampire that spends the whole first season in a school girl outfit, and then returns in flashbacks in corsets and giant skirts?

8) Barbara Steele as Katia Vajda, Black Sunday

Steele starred in a lot of giallos (Italian horror films) in the ’60s. She wasn’t the perfectly gorgeous Hollywood-type, but a sinister beauty, a porcelain doll whose eyes would bug out as she tried to kill you. She’s the kind who would kiss you passionately and then try to eat your skin. In Black Sabbath, she’s a witch who was executed and imprisoned in her coffin by a special mask, and when some dumb-ass takes the mask and lets her out, she tries to take over the body of one of her beautiful, young descendants, also played by Steele. This film showcases this top genre actress at her crazy, gorgeous, man-enslaving best.

7) Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates, Psycho

People forget how good-looking Perkins was. Yes, he was super creepy in this role, but if it hadn’t been for type casting, he could have been a leading man that all of the ladies swooned over.

6) Hazel Court as Juliana, The Masque of the Red Death

Court was cinema’s most beautiful satanist. Locked up with a bunch of other satanic nobility in the castle of her husband (Vincent Price) while the red death ravages the lands outside, Court’s cruelty to the young peasant girl (Jane Asher) that Price is trying to seduce contrasts well with Court’s perfectly angelic face. The scene where she offers herself as a bride of Satan is pretty awesome too.

5) Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands/Johnny Depp as Sweeny Todd, in the movies of the same name.

I can’t decide between Depp as a bondage-clad man-made man (designed to be perfect) or Depp as a Victorian goth in wicked trousers, driven mad by grief and the need for vengeance … although I wouldn’t want either of them to touch me. It just goes to show you that the only thing you can beat Depp with is more Depp.

4) Vampira as Vampire Girl, Plan 9 From Outer Space

There wasn’t any real reason for Vampira to be in this film, and the film doesn’t make much sense anyway, but there is no shame in capturing Malia Nurmi’s legendary measurements (36-21-35) on film.

3) Gary Oldman as Dracula, Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

The opening sequence of this film, where Oldman is dressed as Vlad the Impaler and saying goodbye to Winona Ryder, then renouncing God after Ryder kills herself… hottie hotness. The real story of Vlad’s marriage to his first wife isn’t nearly this romantic, but the actors’ chemistry together is way better than history. Oldman’s sex appeal in this film is a testament to his skill as an actor, since he’s not really naturally excellent-looking, but his charisma and skill make him the perfect man to provide the seductiveness that has to be in any good Dracula story.

2) The Female Vampires of Hammer Films

Hammer Films, England’s go to house of horror from the 50’s through the 70’s, produced many, many vampire films in which women prowled foggy moors and gardens in little more than a nightgown and a smile. From the truly spectacular Brides of Dracula to the practically soft-core The Vampire Lovers, these ferocious females had it going on, and the soft, innocent yet dangerous sensuality of these films has never been recaptured.

1) David Naughton as David, American Werewolf in London.

I have had a crush on David Naughton since I first saw this film in my early teens. It is my favorite horror film. I named one of my pets after this movie. I lick the ground this movie walks on. Jenny Agutter, super smokin’ in her own right, and Niven light the screen on fire in their scenes together, and werewolf movies are always good for a little skin. This one has a lot, but tastefully, which is vastly preferable to nudity and sex for the sake of nudity and sex. It is a love story, it is a monster story, it is a gory story, and Naughton is the anchor that the whole film is chained to… and you’ll want to be chained to him too.