The Nexus of Pop-Culture Fandom

Ryan Gosling is Greater than Jesus Christ

Written by: Lance Carmichael, CC2K Staff Writer

And Michael Jordan and the Beatles and Albert Einstein

ImageAccording to most counts, there are six relatively cheap and easy ways to commit suicide these days: Shooting yourself in the brain, slitting open a vein, jumping from a great height, swallowing a bunch of pills, jumping in front of a train, and dropping a toaster in the bathtub. If I were an aspiring actor, I would recommend picking one of the above and doing it immediately. Now that Ryan Gosling has Arrived, you have no reason to live.

What’s that? You refuse to end your own life because of the mere fact of Ryan Gosling’s existence? I can only think of one reason why. 

1) You’ve never seen a Ryan Gosling movie.


All other reasons are irrelevant. If you saw Half Nelson, you’d know exactly what I was talking about. Not only did Ryan Gosling turn in the bravest, most gut-wrenching performance of the year, he also redefined what it is possible to do as an actor.

Most actors are content to breathe life into their character to help make the story come to life. They do this by eliminating artifice from their performance, making it feel “real,” like something we can relate to and recognize from our own life.

That wasn’t enough for Ryan Gosling.

What Ryan Gosling did in Half Nelson, for the first time ever, was go beyond the role, beyond the movie…even beyond real life. His performance was so real, so raw, so heartfelt, that he defined a hitherto unknown plane of existence far more real, raw, and heartfelt than our own. Once he defined this new dimension, we all at one instantaneous moment became mere clichéd, unconvincing actors existing on a plane once vainly called “Reality.”

Right now, at our top research institutions, the world’s greatest minds in theoretical physics are working through the ramifications of his performance in Half Nelson. String theory has already been cast aside as embarrassingly incomplete now that most respected physicists have caught Half Nelson on DVD. There are two main camps inside mainstream theoretical physics right now, and both center around the universe-shattering importance Ryan Gosling's performance as an inner-city schoolteacher with a drug habit. Though the theories are dazzlingly intricate, I will attempt to couch them in layman’s terms so that we can all glimpse the true importance of Ryan Gosling.

The leading school of thought now posits that the exact nanosecond the light reflecting off of Ryan Gosling while he performed his role in Half Nelson hit the film plane inside the camera, a parallel universe was created. This universe has been termed “Gosling Universe.” Our own plane of existence, “Reality,” is now thought to be a mere dark reflection of the events and mass inside of Gosling Universe–a charade, a mere reflection on the wall of Plato’s Cave. The old understanding of the difference between matter and anti-matter is a useful model for thinking about the relationships between Gosling Universe and Reality.


Don’t stare directly at Him!!!!!

This theory goes on to point out that, as of now, only Ryan Gosling has access to this universe, and that he accesses it any time he Acts. This includes not only his movies, but also anytime he does an imitation for a friend or even plays charades. At these moments, a wormhole is opened up into Gosling Universe, and anybody who stares into it immediately sees through the artifice that is Reality, and despairs. Especially other actors. The individual sees what a poor, unconvincing thespian he is at playing him or herself, and loses all interest in life. Scientists believe that this is a very rational reaction, and that suicide is the only sensible course of action (this explains the recent wave of suicides among leading theoretical physicists).

The other school of thought that holds sway now among respected physicists is very similar to Gosling Universe Theory (or GUT), but has some key differences. This theory holds that any movie with Ryan Gosling in it is actually “reality,” and that everything outside of these movies (what we wrongly think of as our own lives) is in fact a dream of the collective characters that Ryan Gosling has played. The universe began not with the Big Bang, then, but when Gosling appeared as “James” on episode 109 of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” in 1995. The universe only appears to have begun roughly 14 billion years earlier, because that’s the way it appears to have begun in Ryan Gosling’s characters' dreams. The ramifications of this theory are manifold (e.g. this is obviously an expanding universe, as Gosling inevitably starts nabbing every juicy role available), but foremost is the realization that you and I are not independent agents of free will, but rather constructs of Ryan Gosling’s characters' subconsciouses reordering their short- and long-term memories in order to make sense of waking, onscreen life.

The major difficulty this theory faces is that it is difficult to prove mathematically, which is still how arguments are solved within theoretical physics. Supporters of Gosling Dream Theory say that this is a failing of the Scientific Method rather than of the theory, while critics attack their methodology as unscientific. The only point on which boths sides agree is that further rigorous study of every Ryan Gosling movie–especially Half Nelson­–is desperately needed. Legislation providing funding to distribute a free DVD of the movie to every science student and teacher in America is currently making its way through both chambers of Congress.

Whichever cosmological model you choose to believe, the release of Fracture marks a seminal turning point in the history of the universe(s). Since it is Ryan Gosling’s first leading role in a Major Hollywood Movie, and since he is so brilliant and convincing in every single frame of film included in the theatrical cut of the film, it will surely go a long ways towards preparing the earth’s population for the new paradigm shift in our understanding of the workings of the (Gosling) universe, and our (tiny) places in it.

And that there is no place in it if you’re another actor.Hal