Sex Week 2012: Superbowl Sexy Time!

CC2K’s Big Ross presents a look at all the SEX-filled commercials that aired during Superbowl XLVI

As I was stuffing my face with chips & guacamole and beer, I noticed there seemed to be a lot more sex in this year’s broadcast of the superbowl. Not during the actual game, not even during the halftime show featuring the sexually charged and often provocative Madonna. She kept things pretty tame, even with M.I.A.’s flash of her middle finger. No, I’m talking about the commercials. Which is ironic considering none of them were for drugs made specifically to give men erections so they can have sex.

Actually, there’s nothing sexual about those ads, which we’re subjected to several times during an NFL regular season game broadcast. They typically feature an older (but not too old) couple doing something mundane like making breakfast or cleaning their bathroom. Then something completely innocuous happens. They bump into each other or reach for the Scrubbing Bubbles at the same moment and touch hands, and then BOW-CHICKA-BOW-WOW. SEXY TIME. Of course, it’s all innuendo. They climb into separate bathtubs on the beach or ride a Ferris wheel, but you know it’s some ad-exec’s idea for a G-rated depiction of SEX. Ridiculous.

At least the Cialis commercials have a woman in them. The latest ad campaign for Viagra has a man, older (but not too old) and ruggedly handsome, off doing something manly by himself like sailing a boat or driving a muscle car on the highway when OH SHIT something breaks. Not to worry though, because this guy quickly comes up with a MacGuyveresque way to patch things up. HO HO! Very cute Viagra. We get it already. The broken-down car is a metaphor for the broken penises of America’s Greatest Generation. And Viagra is the duct tape that will fix them. Enough.

Anyway, we didn’t see any of those commercials on Sunday (and you won’t see them here). Instead we got what seemed like A LOT of ads using SEX to sell us things that had little to nothing to do with sex. If you missed any of them (or just want to view them again), I’ve compiled them all here, along with lots of snarky commentary. It’s Superbowl Sexy Time! Let’s go!

GoDaddy Promotes .co

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ2lXGK5juY

I have no idea what the GoDaddy people are thinking with this commercial. It really doesn’t make any sense to use scantily clad women to try to sell domain name registrations for the internet. It’s not like GoDaddy is in some heated ad campaign war with another company like Coke v. Pepsi or Bud Light v. Miller Lite. And let’s be honest. These ads were WAY better when they were first airing several years ago and featured some unknown big-breasted bimbo. Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels are NOT HOT. Michaels isn’t attractive on a good day, but here she has so much makeup on she looks terrible. And as far as Danica goes, I’m going to let Daniel Tosh handle this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI2TRIVA7Tc

Oh, and have you ever actually checked out the “unrated” web content? Yeah, me neither, but I decided to investigate for the purposes of this article. One word: LAME. On second thought, here are a few more. The Internet is a pinata filled with porn, no, a cornucopia overflowing with porn. In a day and age when a simple Google search will result in pages upon pages of websites, images, and videos of naked men and women engaging in any and all sexually explicit acts, GoDaddy’s “promise” of a naked woman is laughable. And make no mistake, that is what they’re promising when the show you a beautiful woman, intentionally avoiding her private parts, and then ask if you want to see more, and direct you to their website where content is “unrated”. And again, what’s the strategy here? “I know, let’s hook ‘em with a promise of boobs and once they go to our website they won’t be able to resist our bargain prices for registering a domain name!” Idiots.

Kia Optima (A Dream Car. For Real Life.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHZbXvts0LE

I thought this was a fun premise for a commercial with the classic 1950’s Mr. Sandman song and the little guy sprinkling dream dust on sleepers, tripping, and dumping a bit too much on the guy. His dream is over the top testosterone-fueled craziness. But it’s fun. Motley Crue, rhino riding, two lumberjacks slicing a school bus-sized hoagie with a timber saw, a stadium filled with hot, bikini-clad women all wild for the guy driving the car.

The only problems are the idea that any red-blooded American male would dream of driving a Kia on a race track (yes I understand the point of the ad is that the new Kia Optima is *supposed* to fit in with all that other crazy macho dream stuff. But it doesn’t.) The commercial is entertaining, but I’d wager money that Kia didn’t convince a single man to actually go out and buy an Optima. Oh, and the second problem is that he abandons the stadium of hot women (Adrianna Lima among them (the hottie waving the flag)) for the mildly attractive woman in the other dream. That’s rookie.

Toyota Camry (Reinvented!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9L-8372A3w

I had actually forgotten about this one until I started looking on YouTube for these videos and noticed/remembered it. It’s a fun concept, reinventing a bunch of things and improving them by leaps & bounds (I think; I’m honestly not sure how a baby that can travel through time or curtains made out of pizza are better, though I’m on board with a blender that plays Lionel Richie instead of that horrible motor sound they make). Among these “revolutionary” reinventions is a car, a really boring car that isn’t boring anymore, promise! (Editor’s note: please note the sarcasm). The SEX is brief: couches are now made out of hot women in bikinis or hot men in boxers (finally something for the ladies watching!).

H&M David Beckham Bodywear (Superbowl Sexy Time Runner Up)

I feel compelled to quote Flight of the Conchords by way of an introduction to this next clip. “Just wanna do something special, for all the ladies in the world, and the girls, don’t forget them too.” Enjoy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQb_-OY7Z0E

I’m not sure if this is the first example of a commercial SPECIFICALLY directed at women (and gay men, I suppose) during the Superbowl. I feel like it might be, and that’s pretty cool. Sexually-charged advertising for all!

Teleflora.com (Superbowl Sexy Time Award Winner)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWrJgFjxlS0

The incredible Adrianna Lima makes a second Superbowl commercial appearance! And this commercial was definitely the most blatant attempt to use SEX to sell something. All of the other ads use it to a certain extent, mostly presenting viewers with attractive, scantily-clad men & women, but Teleflora goes the extra mile. This ad has the attractive woman in Adrianna Lima, who proceeds to straight up inform male viewers that buying their special lady flowers from Teleflora significantly improves (if not outright guarantees) their chances for SEXY TIME with said special lady. The balls on these guys (and you just know they’re guys). Wow.

M&M Ms. Brown (Honorable Mention)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q33drZUXSzY

This one almost doesn’t count, but it’s just so damn fun I couldn’t leave it out. Though, I always thought of the M&M candies’ candy-coating as their skin, not a layer of clothing. Which sort of ruins this commercial if you think about it too much. Sorry.