Sex Week: Not Another Porn Parody!
Written by: Barbie Davenporte, Special to CC2K
Zach Morris and Kelly Kapowski were the hottest couple at Bayside High and you’re damn right they boned all over school. But they never showed that part on TV. Bummer right? Well bummer no more thanks to the four-year-strong trend going on in the porn biz.
Parodies. Lots of them.
I wish I could tell you the very first porn parody to hit the market. It might have been the Britney Rears series. It’s probably findable and confirmable-ish on the Internet but quite frankly I’m not interested in typing another adult term into my Google search bar. My Internet history is going to get me arrested.
When I first penetrated (giggity) the adult industry as a journalist I remember one of the first big(ish)-budget parody productions announced in 2007. Not the Bradys XXX was one of porn studio X-Play’s first big-name spoofs, with Not Bewitched XXX, Not The Cosbys XXX, and Not Married With Children XXX on its heels.
The trend got so hot X-Play later trademarked the term “Not” for all of its future titles. The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office actually approved that.
And other studios came quick on the scene with their own parodies, making the announcements fast so as to essentially call dibs on each TV or film classic. With the key word “Not” off the market in the near future, Hustler Video set their porn parodies apart using “This Ain’t” before every XXX title.
You can thank Hustler for This Ain’t Saved By the Bell XXX, by the way. From the boxcover: “It’s the start of a new term, and Zack is planning to take his relationship with Kelly to the next level. Meanwhile, Slater gets reacquainted with old schoolmate Jennifer, who wants Zack to join them as well. Meanwhile, a Mystery man is running around school with no pants on, and Lisa is determined to find out who he is.”
Then New Sensations broke out with a colon, labeling their releases with “[Insert title here]: A XXX Parody.” You can thank them for one of several Sex and the City joke films, and the New Sensations title most noted by the Porn Fans With Good Taste community was The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody. From the boxcover: “The Dude seeks restitution for his ruined porn tapes from the man for whom he has been mistaken, millionaire Big Lebowski.” (The copywriter must have been sick that day.)
But at this point these pornographers have got to run out of shit to spoof, right? Nope. Every TV show, infomercial and pop culture scenario you may or may not remember from childhood up until today has likely had at least one sex position inserted and imprinted thousands of times onto little round discs only to have each one ripped and available online for free free free within hours.
Breakfast Club XXX. John Hughes would be…proud? “When five college students are forced to spend their Saturday in detention, they think that it is going to be, like, a total bummer. But instead it turns out to be a total Fuckfest! Watch the school’s star athlete put the winning moves on the sexy and quirky loner; then check out the renegade getting pretty deep in pink when he finally hooks up with the popular girl; and witness the class geek popping cherries in his “totally-not-fake” memory of Niagara Falls! Throw in some perky cheerleader group sex with a beautiful Dean that has an insatiable craving for cock, and you’ve got the sexiest day ever spent in a library since… ever!”
Deal or No Deal. “This XXX version stars Alexis Texas as a model who opens a lot more than just her briefcase! She’s part of the ‘deal,’ along with a hilarious cast of horny contestants that can barely grasp the rules of play (including a surprise cameo by Ron Jeremy!), but end up getting down and dirty with every move – even the Banker gets blown! And just when you thought you’d seen it all, germaphobe Howie himself is forced to do the nasty without a full body condom!”
The A-Team. “When Bree’s husband goes missing, she calls on a rogue military team of fugitives. They break the rules, bring the bad guys to justice, and still have time for loads of non-stop sex! The ladies love them, the men want to be them! From tattooed bikers to Mexican drug lords to corrupt cops, this hilarious spoof has it all! You’ll love it when a plan cums together.”
Home Improvement. “What time is it? It’s Tool Time with group sex and all the grunting you remember! With the kids away at school, Jim and his wife Julian decide to add more power to their sex life by talking busty Tool Time babe Alexis Ford into a 3-way! Sal shows off his handyman skills with a hottie, and even Milson is around to dispense advice from behind his fence. Based on the popular comedy, this parody delivers great jokes and terrific sex with all the power Jim could want.”
Please Jesus make them stop.
They’ve even done The Simpsons. THE SIMPSONS! And that’s creepy not because of the whole pedophilia/under-age cartoon porn thing. (We’ve all been desensitized to the age issue thanks to the Bradys porno, The Dirty Facts of Life, and Red Riding Hood XXX.) Check out the trailer and see what these porn stars look like fucking with jaundice. Note: this clip actually is PG-13. But you might get some very strange looks from your co-workers if you watch it at the office.
You turned on yet? Me neither.
And this year a noted industry awards show created a separate category devoted to the craft of spoofing. The 2011 Parody Studio of the Year award went to New Sensations. Quite frankly I’ve never cared to view their body of work, but I’d honor them with the title simply for having mounted The Big Lebowski before any other studio and putting together a dream sequence that rivals that of the original.
But it’s Sex Week here at CC2K which means it’s time to bite the bullet vibrator and watch and find joy in the sex-ed up versions of all the TGIF shows I eagerly waited for each week. (I always knew the fun was over when 20/20 started, signifying that the hilarious hijinks were over and TGIF now stood for “Tonight Got Incredibly Fallacious.”)
And apparently I now can even watch porno-ified biographies of some of the nation’s most respected figures, including Bruce Lee and Elvis.
High five?
Educated and emphatic with extensive experience in the journalism and adult entertainment industries, Barbie Davenporte has seen it all — and done some of it. Not the relationship type, she does everything (and everyone) she can to keep her skills and outlook fresh. She is currently head writer of LAWeekly’s sex blog, AfterDarkLA.