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The Stalker Personals: A Beginner’s Guide to Finding The Right Single White Female

Written by: Kristen Lopez, Editor in Chief

ImageCC2K's Kristen Lopez knows that every guy wants a nice, sweet stalker for a girlfriend, so she's compiled a guide to some of the best.

What if we lived in the world of erotic thrillers? Would we all have to dress like it's the 1980s, the heyday of the genre? Would we always be hooking up behind dive bars and conspiring to murder our spouses? More important, what would dating be like?

Come with me as I guide you through the personals listings on a typical dating website in the world of erotic thrillers and the female stalkers who populate it.

Hedra “Hedy” Carlson (Single White Female)

Backstory: Hedy Carlson (Jennifer Jason Leigh), is a sweet young woman who just wants a roommate who understands her. Enter Allie Jones (Bridget Fonda), who immediately becomes her BFF – that is, until Hedy starts dyes her hair and starts dressing exactly like Allie. It was also pretty rude of Hedy to sleep with Allie's boyfriend.

How Can You Find Your Own Hedy?
Just be yourself! Look for a quiet, dowdy girl who dresses like a 10-year-old tomboy and tells you she loves you five minutes into your first date.

What Can You Expect from Your Relationship:
If you start a relationship with Hedy, you better expect A LOT of time together. A girl like Hedy doesn’t enjoy anybody fighting for your attention, which includes your friends, pets and most warm-blooded mammals. If you piss her off, be prepared for long, emotional talks followed by hand-to-hand combat, typically with high-end footwear – we recommend against buying her any stiletto heels. But don't worry – Hedy will remain dedicated to you forever and ever and ever, though you might want to hide your birth certificate and Social Security card.

Adrienne Forrester (The Crush)

Young Adrienne Forrester (Alicia Silverstone) just wants to experience that first puppy love, that’s all. When writer Nick Eliot (Cary Elwes) rents the Forrester’s guest house, he tries to take Adrienne under his wing, but she wanted more – and what a teenage girl wants, she usually gets.

How Can You Find Your Own Adrienne? Cheerleading competitions, junior high schools and other strongholds of jail bait are sure to be packed with Adriennes-a-plenty, but if you decide to pursue one, ask for at least three forms of ID.

What You Can Expect from Your Relationship: Expect plenty of long telephone conversations and loads of heavy petting – all at her discretion, of course, otherwise she'll introduce you to her killer bee collection or take you for a lively day of horseback-riding. You might want to warm up your vocal cords, because along with loud lovemaking, you'll also get into vicious shouting matches after she repeatedly cries “rape!”

Peyton Flanders (The Hand That Rocks the Cradle)

Peyton Flanders (Rebecca de Morney) loves her family, but an accusation of molestation against her husband drives him to suicide. In retaliation, Flanders tracks down the woman (Annabella Sciorra) who accused her husband and insinuates herself into her life as her children’s nanny.

How Can You Find Your Own Peyton? It’s easy! Just destroy someone’s life, leave a big paper trail, and wait to reap the benefits of pathological stalking and homicidal tendencies! Widowers have a great chance of finding a Peyton, and if you’re not widowed yet and you meet Peyton – you will be.

What You Can Expect from Your Relationship: A tightly run house. Peyton will do anything to take care of your family. She clean, she’ll breastfeed your baby, she’ll tell bullies that she’ll rip their fucking heads off, and she’ll scare the shit out of your housekeeping staff. She’s also an expert in garden-tool-based hand-to-hand combat and the destruction of work documents.

Madison Bell (Swimfan)

Beautiful southern babe Madison Bell (Erika Christensen) transfers to a new school and instantly develops a crush on swimming star Ben (Jesse Bradford). They wind up having sex in a pool, and after Bradford lets one “I love you” slip, Bell becomes convinced that he’ll leave his current girlfriend for her.

How Can You Find Your Own Madison? Easy! Just be a fucking idiot! Cheat on your girlfriend with an unstable headcase, and then tell her you love her. There’s no reason why middle-aged businessmen should have the monopoly on finding rabbits boiling on their stovetops – youngsters can do it, too!

What You Can Expect from Your Relationship: Madison is the quintessential low-maintenance girl. Let’s say you don’t feel like introducing her to your mother – don’t worry! Madison will track her down five minutes after your first date. If you fall for a Madison while still in a relationship, she’s got you covered – your current girlfriend will conveniently disappear within weeks.  Your social life will also flourish, because you’ll be hanging out in a lot of public places every night to build up strong alibis for when the cops come knocking.

So, happy Valentine’s Day! Hopefully, you can find a woman like the ones listed above – a woman who will love you.

Whether you like it or not.