The Top Five Films of 2010 That I Will Never See. Ever.

Written by: Allan Heifetz, Special to CC2K

CC2K newcomer Allan Heifetz makes his debut with this proclamation regarding five movies that will never get so much as a RedBox rental.

1. You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger

Just like everyone else on the planet, I don’t see Woody Allen movies on principle, but when I was growing up he was a real comedy hero to me and my family. Every film he released was greeted by quite a bit of excitement. Alas, Allen is still floundering in his “one a year” purgatory, and has been making stiff, wordy, unfunny, self indulgent trash for nigh on twenty years (I‘ve always wanted to say “nigh on!”). I really felt badly for him in 2003, when the trailers for his movie Anything Else purposely left Allen’s name unmentioned, for fear it would cast a shroud of doom over its’ release. Word got out anyway and the film disappeared. Allen is now competing with Henry Jaglom for the title of “Least Popular Filmmaker.”

If I must come up with a reason for avoiding Woody’s latest movie I suppose his previous movie, Whatever Works is reason enough. Whatever’s star, Larry David, obviously must worship Woody Allen and he certainly should by all means. However, because David is still such a towering figure in the comedy world, it feels like he’s slumming it up in Woody’s anti-improv world. One would think that putting these two comedy giants heads together would a bring forth a bounty of laughs, but no– Allen somehow blows the opportunity and only succeeds in smearing a tiny blotch on David’s stellar career.

2. Eat Pray Love

I don’t like seeing uber-privileged star Gwyneth Paltrow eating her way through Spain with an obese ginger chef moaning “mmmmmmm!” on PBS’ Spain…on the Road Again. By the same token, I don’t want to see Julia Roberts having a good time. I don’t want to see her doing the cackle while enjoying her tiny cup of gelato. I don’t want to see her expanding her world, discovering herself or making out with hot guys (leave some for the fish, Cackles!). Although she proved to the world that movie stars are real people with feelings and shit in Notting Hill, it doesn’t mean I have to watch her feeling her wonderful feelings. Let her be ecstatic about every god damn thing in her own private chambers.

3. Morning Glory / How Do You Know

I am never going to see Morning Glory because there is only room in the world for one TV news office comedy and that is James L. Brooks’ Broadcast News. Having just re-watched News I was blown away by how mature and sharp it still is. How many movies can you name that boast three meaty, knock out performances (William Hurt, Albert Brooks, Holly Hunter)? Perhaps Morning Glory’s Harrison Ford can make some magic with his role as a local anchorman but Rachel McAdams is no Holly Hunter. Judging by the reviews it seems Brooks’ new film How Do You know is a lifeless romantic comedy that utterly fails to capture News‘ magic. The legacy of Broadcast News dooms both films. Feh!

4. Grownups

What is it with former stand-up comedy superstars and their terrible movies? I still find it mind blowing that you can count the amount of decent films Robin Williams, Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy have collectively made over the past thirty years on your hands. These comic geniuses have the same goal in mind when making films; don’t over exert yourself by trying to make something good. Adam Sandler certainly belongs in this club but he seems to own his massive failures much more than the others. By now we all know Sandler’s mission statement: Make the minimum amount of effort and reap the maximum amount of profits. He makes fun of his own shitty filmography in Funny People and yet he continues to make said shit because, well…that’s what he does. As for Grown Ups, those five funny guys peeing in the pool should be off doing something funny instead of wasting their time and ours.

5. Cop Out

I love to hear Kevin Smith talk. I also love to hear John Waters talk. Both filmmakers make a real effort to share the filmmaking process with their audience and they have amazing stories to tell. Perhaps the better the public speaker the worse the filmmaker is. Smith always ends up apologizing to the world for his horrible movies. People claim to like Chasing Amy but I don’t get how anyone could get past Joey Lauren Adams’ incessant yelling and crying. Hollywood is the kind of place that a self described bad filmmaker can be hired to direct two big stars from a script that isn’t even his own material. A couple years ago, on his  podcast program, Smodcast, Smith expressed anger and frustration due to Zack and Miri Make a Porno’s lackluster box office performance ($30 million). He should be ecstatic then that Cop Out somehow managed to scrape up $40 million. Shouldn’t he be?